one-word prompt

Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.

 

Exposed (part one maybe?)

How private are you guys?

I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.

I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.

I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.

When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.

It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.

Went looking for sunshine

– guess where I found it?

It’s an early morning – too early. Actually I havn’t been to bed yet. These last few days night and day have been switched around for me, no particular reason why. It just happens.

But since I was up, I decided to go see the sunrise. I wanted to see when the grey night turned into the colorful day. But I live too low, there are too many buildings and fences and trees around me, so I went on a walk to see it. Walked for a while to the highest point I know, only to finally get there and realise that it was surrounded by even higher buildings, so I could see even less than at my own place.

I was feeling rather sad about this – more than I thought i would. Tears were actually starting to run down my cheeks as I walked back. I don’t know why. Didn’t understand my own feelings, I was just so sad. So upset. Disappointed.

And then. Then as I took the turn into the road where I live suddenly I was bathed in orange light and I saw by shadow on the ground in front of me stretch out far.
I turned around, and there, there was the sun, just rising up above some trees and clouds in the horizon. And I smiled.

I’m not sure if there’s some big life lesson to be learned about this. If doesn’t come to you right in the way and the place you want, to stop looking around so desperately for it, and instead be patient and let time take it’s course? Maybe not. But either way, today I got what I wanted, even if it was right there I started out looking for it.

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What makes you laugh when you’re alone?

If you’ve found something that does – then keep it and treasure it forever. I’m not the sort of person that sits alone and chuckles or giggles – or even openly laughs out loud. But there are some things that will do it.

And I try to remember and save those things to repeat again at some other time, cause odds are that I will laugh at them then too. And it’s important.
Laughing can’t be valued to high, it brings joy to the soul and a smile on my face.

Honestly I probably don’t do it enough. Find things to laugh about in my daily life, I mean. I should. I think it would make the dark days a bit lighter, it could bring a bit of life when I feel emptiness or even maybe, just a small smile on a grey day.

A question for you

This is simple. What do you do on those days when everything seems meaningless? Just a day when you wanna throw in the towel, stay in bed forever and not do any of the things that are expected of you.

I’ve been having a few too many of those days lately, so I am honestly looking for advice.

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.

 

First workout-class ever! My experience.

As the title implies, today I went to my first workout-class ever. And I’m proud of myself for doing it.

It was tough! The instructor was saying that we should keep moving unless we were about to die – and I did feel like that might be the case several times! But I worked through it. Of course I took some breaks and had sips of water between stuff, but I did it all! I kept moving even when I thought my body would kick me, and even though I was panting like never before and my face was red like a mix between a strawberry and a tomato.  (more…)