Month: February 2017

Looking for comfort

I’m in so much pain today – and was last night too. I had my tooth removal surgery yesterday and even though I had it before and knew what to expect it’s worse this time. My cheek is swollen even more already and it will get worse today and tomorrow before it should finally slowly go down again.

My mum is picking me up very soon. That’s right. I, 26 years old, need my mum to pick me up and take me home to give me cuddles and look after me. I’m not ashamed. Who doesn’t want their family in times of pain?

My family is my safety net and they’re my most important support. I love them and I’m so thankful I have them, both in times of pain and over all in life.

(Please God, let me keep them forever)

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Surgery done!

As nervous as I was about my economy presentation yesterday (Terrified but still doing it! and Presentation with anxiety – did it!), I was just as nervous today about my surgery for removing my wisdom tooth. I had one done in January and now it was time for the next and thankfully last.

It was hard. And very painful now that it’s done. But at least it’s done now. I wont have to repeat it and hopefully the painkillers will work their magic on me well.

It’s been 6 hours since it now and I’m only a little swollen. It will get much worse the next two days, but for now I’m just happy. It hurts, a lot. But I can deal with it so far. I’m just happy that I’m on the other side of these two stressful days and now can focus on the future and whatever I want to!

Of course.. as soon as the pain goes away I mean.

Presentation with anxiety – did it!

I made it through! I did my presentation. I was nervous and I felt like a mess. But I did it!

I pretty much had the whole day free before going – but after not getting any sleep between Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Like.. A lot. And the time I were awake I just felt my nerves going higher and higher. So I went back to bed again and had a nap before having to get ready to go.

I had cake for dinner. Not a great idea for someone who’s trying to lose a lot of weight – but because I napped I didn’t have time to make my dinner, so it was my only option really. And then I left.
At this point I was fairly nervous. A lot. And didn’t want to leave. But I did. I had spoken to both my sister, mum and bestie that day and they all believed in me, and bestie reminded me how much I like being with these people once I get past the first, hardest part.

So I went outside. And there was snow everywhere! And it was so pretty it might have been a dream. And it made me smile. Maybe one of the only times that day. And I went..

I sat there.. I small talked.. I had a glass of water and listened to other people giving their presentations about how things were going and then it was my turn. And it went as good as it could have. I hesitated a bunch of times and felt insecure about my voice and unsure if I was communicating the right things that I wanted – but I did it!

I felt nervous and my heart was beating out of my chest and my face was flushed and kinda sweaty – but I did it! I had done it! And there were only two small questions after, both which I could easily answer. And then I sat back down and was met by comforting and proud faces, telling me I’d gone a great job.

Honestly I didn’t feel like I had myself, but I’d done it and that was enough. Later came more reassuring. They thought I’d been amazing and had done everything I’d said would be hard for me. They high-fived me later and I started feeling proud of myself – cause YES! I had done it! I did it. I feared – but I conquered. And now I feel proud too.

The night turned out really good in the end, the four of us talking till way past midnight and I have gotten a bit closer to these people, or some of them, and now feel a little more secure with them. Baby steps. But steps no less.

Victory.

25 questions for me

 

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed Closed. Is a thing?

2. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A great idea for a future BulletJournal page!

3. Do you sing in the shower? Rarely. I don’t like the thought of anyone hearing me.

4. What inspires you? Seeing others being really enthusiastic and dedicated towards a case.

5. Would you bungee jump? Doubtful. Very doubtful.

6. Do you have any pets? No. Honestly not a pet person, but I do enjoy cuddling with my parents’ cat when I’m there.

7. What book are you reading? None right now. I want to start one though!

8. Last book you read? Harry Potter and The Cursed Child

9. Are you a sports fan? Yes! Barcalona football. Denmark for pretty much any other sport.

10. Last Person You Talked To On The Phone? My mum.

11. Favourite foods? Pizza! Ham, cheese, pineapple, kebab.

12. Mountain Hideaway or Beach House? Mountain Hideaway.

13. Last thing you listened to? “Can’t Stop the Feeling” – Justin Timberlake.

14. Growing up, which were you favourite cartoons? Disney ones – cartoons inspired of the movies, such as The Lion King and Aladdin.

15. What are you listening to now? “Say Something” – A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

16. Relationship Status? Single.

17. Biggest Fear? Losing my loved ones.

18. Dream destination? None in particular, I’d just love to see more of the world. Big cities in particular. But also the special places that only natives know about.

19. Are you in school? If so what are you studying? I’m not. I kinda should be though..

20. What is your favourite song at the moment? Instrumental song is: “Always With Me” by Itsumo Nando from the movie Spirited Away.

21. Favourite Movie? Pride and Prejudice.

22. Favourite color? Green. Pastel green.

23. Where do you want to be in 5 years? With with a guy. And an education/a job I like going to every day.

24. Batman or superman? I’ve watched too much Big Bang Theory to dare answering this type of question!

25. Who is your favourite villain? Generally I hate them. Always get in the way of my happy ending.

 

Terrified but still doing it!

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering mess of a body will stand up in front of 40 people. And speak. Yeah.. let’s hope so.

If you’ve been reading some of my previous posts here, you will know that I am in a constant fight with my social anxiety and depression, and that I’m trying to push myself to do stuff that I don’t feel completely comfortable with. I will certainly do that tomorrow.

I am the treasurer at the club where I sometimes go – have been for the last two years. Most of that job, job as in we’re all volunteers, is to pay the pills, keep on top of the economy and make the books for the accountant. But, the worst part of the job, is that once a year I have to stand up in front of everyone and explain the economy from the past year to them. I have to answer all their questions, and basically show them what I’ve been doing – and what we’ve done with the money the past year.
That happens tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering hands will stand up in front of everyone and try to explain why we’ve paid so many interests on our loan, why we can’t shut down the renters and why we need donations even though we have enough money. And maybe most terrifying of all, how that money is spent – and why we’ve decided to do that.

Thankfully it’s not me who has decided everything so if they attack my show, it’s not me they’re attacking, it’s the entire board. But still. I’ll be the one taking the punches.

But… I have good people behind me. Last board meeting the entire board offered to stand up in front of everyone with me if I wanted. Apparently I’d been getting better at sharing how I felt, so now they knew I was nervous about it. In the end we decided that if I seem to be loosing it one of the guys will come up and help me. I just give the signal – or he’ll come on his own if he sees that I need it.
I’m so thankful that I’ve opened up enough now that I can actually get help without having to specify what they can do for me. They just offer. And they worry.

Deep down I know that my friends.. people in general, want the best for me. But it’s really nice to actually see it sometimes too.

What I’m working on

The way my mind works, I feel like my focus is split in groups of stuff that takes up lots of space in my mind:

  • Getting more exercise
  • Eating healthier (and the right amount)
  • To be more social
  • Work on my mental health
  • Fixing my teeth (surgery and stuff)

It seems I can only focus on two at the same time. Right now, and for the last month my focus has been to get more exercise and to be more social. And I’ve been doing a good job at both. That being said, every time I try to focus on one of the other groups I fail miserably. Right now I can feel my focus moving from getting exercise to my teeth. It makes sense, cause my surgery is on Friday.

I think it actually makes sense that two of these is enough to occupy my mind, but it still annoys me. Cause the world doesn’t just stand still in order for me to get my act together on all of these. It goes on! And I’m only going slow. It feels like a failure sometimes. Thankfully, at other times I’m able to focus on the victories I get instead – and those are the best times.

I guess I should just be patient with myself and allow that I can’t do it all at once. Nobody can. And then accept that I choose what I focus on for now, and then actually try to make some of those a habit so that it’ll take less energy and maybe that way I’ll be able to excel in more areas. Let’s hope so!

Surgery on Friday

I’m nervous. There. I said it. I admitted it to myself.

I’ve gone through it before, and it is truly not a big surgery at all. They’re operating my last wisdom tooth out. In January I had my first surgery and one taken out, so I’ve been through it all before. Sadly, that is what is making me nervous.

I know how much it hurts afterwards. I know how swollen it gets and how the pain affects me.
I’m nervous about that. How it’ll work into my every day life this time. I can’t go to the gym the first few weeks after, I’m not allowed at first but the most important reason is simply that it hurts too much. It hurt every time I walked the first week, so I’ll most likely be staying home for a good amount of time, it makes me nervous that I might feel both in pain and depressed about the situation.

At least I’m prepared for it. Maybe I’ll ask people to come here, or I’ll have planned stuff that will be able to keep me entertained. I’ll work it out. Just felt the need to say it. I’m nervous.

Macerunner.. or just lost?

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My mind is a mace. I’ve entered with no way of finding my way back to where I got in and now I gotta find another way out. But it’s not just around the first corner, or the second. I might need to go through obstacles, thorns maybe. Maybe there’s a river in the middle of everything that I gotta swim over, making sure not to get taken away by it. Making sure not to drown. Or maybe there’s a huge easy way I can go at times. More often that not though, that is a dead end and I’ll just have wasted my time.

….

Just a ramble from me.. Do any of you ever feel like that?

Introducing, Chickpea!

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I thought it was time for you to meet me. Even if it is in a far away, no face kind of way. Maybe later you’ll see more, but for this time being, I just wanted to show that I am a real person.
I, at 26, am the eldest with two younger siblings. That comes with both joys and responsibilities. But I wouldn’t change a thing about it. My parents are married on their 28th year and as far I as I can tell, they’re happy. I aspire to look at my life the way they do.

I battle depression and social anxiety, have done for at least 3 years now. It’s hard, I have both good days and very bad days, but lately there seem to be a few more good days and that’s at least something to remember.
Writing here and sharing my feelings on this blog helps me a lot right now. I think a lot as a person, instead of talking it through. But I can feel myself getting things out of my system as I type it out. In the same way, I can also feel a bit of weight being lifted off my shoulders when I read other people’s blogs  and see that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I’m not the first, not the last – and people have gotten better.

I struggle with moving on from being a teenager to growing up properly. ‘Properly’ as in what I expected of myself when I was younger, and as in what society expects of me. I have a basic gymnasium education – and was planning to move onto university after but I’ve had a lot of struggles with this, and so far it seems like university experience might play a big bart in my mental health issues. I don’t know where I’m going with my life, and at 26 this is big struggle for me, as everyone else seem to have a path laid out.
But I’m not giving up on this either. I’m gonna find my way through. No one dictates when you’re supposed to have your life together with a steady income, job – house – family – stuff. It’s up to me, and I am gonna go at a pace that suits me, even if it is hard sometimes.

A shout for hope, optimism and positivity on a tough day.

I’m a vulnerable person. And I’m sensitive. I take things to heart and I pay too much attention to other people opinions – especially if they’r opinions about me.

Sometimes I wish I could know what people say about me when I’m not around.

Do they worry about me? Do they think I behave in a weird way? Do they like me? And even in that case, so they like me as much as I like them? Do they need me? Do they miss me when I’m not around? Can they see that I’m feeling bad when I try to hide it away? What do they notice about me? What is my trademark as a person? 

I’m pretty sure knowing this would both be a huge confident boost and a kick in the face. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle this information, no matter how much I might want to hear it. Cause knowledge can hurt. And it can burn bridges between people.  It can also build bridges, but more often than not, someone will get hurt from sharing too much.
Actually, the fact that I think like that is not something I like about myself. It seems rather cynical and that’s usually not how I think about myself. I’m usually positive and an optimistic realist.

It’s probably the realist talking – and the real optimists might then call me a pessimist, but too much information can lead to terrible things. Obviously, I’m not saying hold back everything and bite your tongue. I’m just pointing out that oversharing and thinking as if nothing has bad consequences might lead to something you will regret later. YOLO (You Only Live Once) is not a thing for me. I live as if there is a day tomorrow, a year after the next, and as I believe, hopefully another (better) life after this one.

So, say what you think will help the people around you, share the good – and think if the negative you might feel will help anyone around you. Be real in what you say, but consider it first. Does the person have a chance to fix it? Will the person want to change for you? Will it have any impact? If not then I say, think hard about if it’s actually worth saying and sharing.

 

…. Honestly, this stream of thought just came out. And I found myself smiling a little bit more as I kept going on writing. I have hope for tomorrow and the future. I have hope that my friends actually like me – and that people around me genuinely like me. I also have doubts – but for today, let’s just focus on the hope.