self-esteem

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.

 

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A shout for hope, optimism and positivity on a tough day.

I’m a vulnerable person. And I’m sensitive. I take things to heart and I pay too much attention to other people opinions – especially if they’r opinions about me.

Sometimes I wish I could know what people say about me when I’m not around.

Do they worry about me? Do they think I behave in a weird way? Do they like me? And even in that case, so they like me as much as I like them? Do they need me? Do they miss me when I’m not around? Can they see that I’m feeling bad when I try to hide it away? What do they notice about me? What is my trademark as a person? 

I’m pretty sure knowing this would both be a huge confident boost and a kick in the face. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle this information, no matter how much I might want to hear it. Cause knowledge can hurt. And it can burn bridges between people.  It can also build bridges, but more often than not, someone will get hurt from sharing too much.
Actually, the fact that I think like that is not something I like about myself. It seems rather cynical and that’s usually not how I think about myself. I’m usually positive and an optimistic realist.

It’s probably the realist talking – and the real optimists might then call me a pessimist, but too much information can lead to terrible things. Obviously, I’m not saying hold back everything and bite your tongue. I’m just pointing out that oversharing and thinking as if nothing has bad consequences might lead to something you will regret later. YOLO (You Only Live Once) is not a thing for me. I live as if there is a day tomorrow, a year after the next, and as I believe, hopefully another (better) life after this one.

So, say what you think will help the people around you, share the good – and think if the negative you might feel will help anyone around you. Be real in what you say, but consider it first. Does the person have a chance to fix it? Will the person want to change for you? Will it have any impact? If not then I say, think hard about if it’s actually worth saying and sharing.

 

…. Honestly, this stream of thought just came out. And I found myself smiling a little bit more as I kept going on writing. I have hope for tomorrow and the future. I have hope that my friends actually like me – and that people around me genuinely like me. I also have doubts – but for today, let’s just focus on the hope.

Thursday evening going out – battling anxiety.

Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies) 

“Hi”
“Hi”
“What are you doing?”
“Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?”
“I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.”
“You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening)
“Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly)
“Why?”
“I don’t know..”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.”  (more…)

Be who you are!

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Just gonna leave you with this today. The quote speaks to me lots. After a long time of hiding parts of myself, trying to make myself seem normal – now I’m focusing on trying to be who I am and allow people to see, and not just show them what I think they want to see. I’m gonna trust them, instead of constantly living in fear that they might see something they don’t like. Instead I’ll show them something, someone might just love.

 

Picture is not mine. 

Feeling closer to new friends

As some of you might have read in my earlier posts Nervous about upcoming weekend and About this weekend.. I had a special weekend planned and now, since it’s over I’ll let you all know how it went – how I conquered it.

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