It’s funny actually. I was writing a post where I mentioned that I hate feeling scared. And then I remembered something I watched today on an episode of Grey’s anatomy. A little girl had a very interesting line. That when she felt scared, she wasn’t supposed to hide under the covers of her bed – she had to turn on the lights to make scary go away.
In general it means not just to try to deal with the scary stuff – but find a way to make the scary thing go away. Not accept it – but find a way to change it. Afraid of the dark – you turn on the light. Afraid of being alone – you find someone to be with.
It can sound like an easy fix, and in some cases an unhealthy way to deal with things, cause if you always keep the light on, you will never actually adjust to darkness. If you’re scared of being alone and always hang out with someone you will never learn how to deal with being alone. But it’s not what the quote means, it just means that you should do something about the situation and not just sit back in acceptance.
I better learn from what I just wrote… not just hide. Not just keep busy, but find a way to get the scary feeling to go away. Well. Easier said than done, but knowing is a good place to start.
I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.
I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.
I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.
When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.
It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.
So.. no idea how to start this really. I might not even know what the conclusion for this will be.
It starts with how tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital to talk about my future teeth-surgery-plan. I’ve been there several times, at least 3 times this year alone. And it is just a conversation. No doctors touching me or taking tests or anything that might hurt or otherwise do anything to me. Just talking. But I can still feel something building in my stomach. A feeling. An uncomfortable knot starting to take form.
In my mind I know everything will be fine. I’ve taken the buss I’m going to take several times. I have it all before. And yet, my stomach is fighting my mind. My feelings are fighting my knowledge.
I feel nervous. I can sense that I will continue to feel more nervous as we grow closer to the appointment. I feel like I will have trouble falling asleep, I wont even want to go to bed cause I know that in bed I will feel even more nervous. At least while awake I can distract myself a bit. I’m already nervous and I can only see it getting worse.
Except. I’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I know that. I really know that. Except it doesn’t feel like I do.
What do I do? My normal nerves are worsened by my anxiety, and that makes it even harder to trust my brain. I hope I get through this, cancelling would be terrible.
One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.
He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.
I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.
But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.
“We really care about you”
It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.
Anyone else ever felt like painkillers were making you drowsy, unable to think properly, make you forget stuff?
Actually I am not sure if it’s the painkillers or the pain itself. I’ve felt like this both in January after my first surgery and now after my second one too.
It is like the pain takes a big chunk of my brain and dedicates that part to pain. And what’s left to think and work for the rest of me is not enough to function like I usually do.
It is a very strange feeling for me. I am not feeling like myself, I keep forgetting stuff I normally wouldn’t, and I am not thinking the way I usually would. It’s just a swarm of stuff going on inside me.
On the upside, it also makes me worry less about stuff I normally would worry a lot about. I simply cant’ fit it all into my mind. That’s how it feels anyway.
Maybe I should just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
(Got an appointment with the hospital tomorrow so hopefully they can help me get well faster)
A few hours ago, or even less, I sat here. Happy. Proud of myself for having just gone to the gym again(!), and I was looking forward to tomorrow, cause I’ll be going home to my parents.
But now, so little time later, I’m still sitting here and I feel bad. The simple task of having to take a shower is overpowering me. The thought that my roomie is having people over tonight so it’ll be loud around me makes me upset. Seeing my family tomorrow suddenly is a chore instead. And the fact that I was just happy seems so far away. I feel like I’ve been sad forever.
I want to go hide in my bed and just ignore the world. Ignore that I should be showering and packing, ignore the stack of dishes and maybe most of all, just ignore time and the expectations the world has for me. What is makes me expect of myself.