Author: LifeOfAChickPea

26 years old and from Denmark. Not sure what Im gonna accomplish with my life and tons of thoughts in my head that doesn't always make sense.

Appreciate peace!

How’s it the saying goes, you only realise how much you want it after it’s gone?

Eight days ago my roommate moved out, and since then there’s been no piece and quiet. The couple that own the place have been here ever since. Working away on what I don’t even know. Well, part of it. They’ve spent time cleaning and changed a few cupboards, which I admit is nice. Over-all, they’ve just been here. Doing stuff. And then my new roommate moved in yesterday. So there’s been a lot of hammering and talking, discussions and all in all, just disturbing the peace that I usually feel in my home.

It’s normally really quiet, and appreciate that. but after this week of disturbance I really miss it!

People moving around in the apartment makes me tense all over. I don’t know what they’re gonna do, if they’re doing stuff that will concern me or if they will knock on my door.

Living with a roommate I’ve learned to relax while hearing the normal noises from that, the stove going, the toilet being flushed and stuff like that. But this, boxes being unpacked and furniture being moved, it stresses me out.

I can’t seem to relax like this. But there’s hope. I think roomie will take a few days to settle in, but then I believe the piece and quiet will settle over the apartment again, and I’ll be able to relax and calm down properly again.

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First post of 2018

You know that feeling, when you have something you want to do, but somehow you’re building it up in your head, preparing for it, studying it.. ultimately building it up so much that the pressure of doing it, makes you avoid it?

Yeah. That’s how I feel about my lifestyle change right now – or weight loss journey.

I started around April 2016. I started from 103 kgs and actually managed to come down to 88 kgs in a healthy way. But.. then came a hard time with sickness, a hospital stay and a loss of energy after the sickness period that took months to recover from. Mixed with that was also a general lack of energy to focus on this as I also struggled with my mental health, battling anxiety and depression at the same time. And also, I hate to admit, I became lazy.

The result of that was that I slowly gained weight again, and now, January 2018 I am back at 100 kgs. I have a desire to lose the weight again – I need to cause I do have that dental surgery in a year or two, but I still cant focus on it properly. I recently went through my storage of food and sent all the unhealthy stuff to my mum and sister. It does help a bit, but I just go buy stuff when I want it. At least though, I’m buying a little bit at the time and not a huge bag of candy that I then finish.

I know the ins and outs of weight loss, but it’s so hard to start again. I remember thinking that it wasn’t so hard once I was up and going. I had it easier saying no to candy and limiting my portion sizes and generally eating healthier, but right now it just seems like a huge step.

It’s built up in my head. I have built it up.

In fact I know what I should be doing. I should make a plan.

Look at my old meal plan and make a plan for the next few days. Not a general plan but a precise plan of what I’m going to eat during the next couple of days. I think I can manage that. If not, I’ll go back and see what else I can try.

Here’s to trying! 

Farewell 2017

2017 was one of my hardest years. I went through physical illness as well as battling mental illness. I’ve taken so many painkillers it’s not funny at all – and my biggest wish for 2018 is to need less of those.

This post is my way of looking back; Remembering, dealing, saying goodbye. It might not be worth it for anyone else, in that case, it’s just for me.

It’s not fun for me to look back at 2017. I went into the year with great energy from having lost 12 kgs – almost half the weight I was supposed to lose in total, and I was on a roll and ready to continue. It felt so doable and it felt like something I could conquer!

It didn’t even last a week. I got sick with stomach problems and the next 10 days were terrible. Stomach aches, throwing up and barely getting any sleep were some of the stuff I battled those ten days – but I was happy when the ‘bug’ finally went away and I was able to regain my energy again.

Then came the middle of march. And it started again. And it lasted almost two weeks, then, on a day where I had requested homemade pizza for dinner at my parents house with my entire family, a quick visit to the doctor turned into a hospital stay – and me on a ‘no food’ regulation, until they decided if I was going into surgery that night or not. That evening I could barely talk or think about anything but food. During a short nap in the hospital bed I even dreamed of swimming in lasagna and cream sauce.

12 days. That’s how long it took before I was released from the hospital again. It had taken a while – and a lot of pain – but they had actually found the reason for my illness and had given me enough morphine to take the pain away, until my body fought the inflammation in my pancreas. That was the diagnosis: Pancreatitis caused by gallstones.

I left, completely worn out but happy to finally put a name on what had been wrong with my body – and most likely also the reason for my ‘attacks’, like I had in January. But my body had suffered and my energy levels were low for a very long time, moths after even. Weightloss became impossible.

Along with fighting the low energy and gaining my normal body functions back, I fought my mental health. The physical pain hadn’t made my depression and anxiety disappear. It sort of felt like they had been put on hold? Does that make even make sense? I don’t know. But I know, that it felt so much harder to battle it after the hospital stay.

My energy was low and my depression was strong.

My family and few friends were the only thing that kept me going for a long time. Exercise didn’t happen at all – it was too hard to leave the house, and even when I managed, my energy didn’t reach very far at all. Something that used to be easy, like going grocery shopping to the nearest store, became exhausting. Everything was hard. It became a battle.

It’s hard living like that. Expecting one thing from yourself and the results being something else. I kept going like that through summer and fall mostly. I don’t know how life went by like that. Sitting here I remember my family holiday during summer and one during fall – everything else is blurry. Did I even live? Really live? If i’m being honest, I think I just existed. Took the pills I was prescribed. Participated in a study that might help depression, but didn’t help me. I went to see my family sometimes, but nothing major happened.

Major… hah. Well. Except I became ‘major’. No. It’s not funny. I ate like crap most of the days. Candy was easy to buy and way easier than to cook something healthy. Accessible. My weight went up. In december I reached 98 kgs again. Now just 5 kgs away from my starting weight. So much work has gone out the window.

It makes me sad. Makes me want to give up – throw in the towel. Except, I’m not allowed. I need to be down to 78 by the time my teeth have been moved enough to do my jaw-surgery. I haven’t mentioned that yet, but my teeth have been reason for a lot of pain this year too.

I got two wisdom teeth surgically removed in January, and three other teeth pulled out in October/november. All that hurts. I got braces, that a whole new battle – keeping them clean, having sore teeth, wires poking me. It’s not fun. But; it’s part of a journey that is leading to something great.

That’s how 2018 starts, I hope. As part of my ‘something great’. I even see signs of it already; 1) I might actually be on some medication that seems to work (finally), 2) I’ve been doing group therapy – which, I believe, will be a great tool for me to get better, 3) The braces doesn’t hurt as much now that they’re on – even when they get tightened it’s not as bad as I had expected – and I can actually see my teeth have moved so it’s going the right way!

It’s on it’s way. My ‘something great’. And I’m ready for it!

 

The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

When lyrics express your thoughts better than you ever could yourself

It is often hard to express my own feelings – and then once in a while I am almost overwhelmed with how well another person has already done it. Sia created this song around 15 years ago now, and I am sure I am not alone in feeling like she’s read my mind before the thoughts even existed.

“Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

(Lyrics from Breathe Me by Sia)

A Great Big World – Music rec

A Great Big World – what a confusing band name, but I have to admit that I love it quite a lot.

I wanna love and be the one who is loved
No, I won’t stop dreaming
‘Cause this isn’t over
It’s never over

– Lyric from “Won’t Stop Running” by A Great Big World

I’ve been listening to some songs of theirs for a while now, and they never fail to make me feel something. The lead singer’s voice can be both tender and direct in a way that makes me listen really carefully. It’s soft but still has an edge. And the music just… I love it. They have written songs with purpose. That’s something I like listening to.

The way his voice harmonises with Aguilera’s on “Say Something” gives me chills every time I hear it. “Already Home” makes me feel loved and hopeful and “Won’t Stop Running” gives me courage and optimism, and even a bit of stubbornness that nothing will ever make me stop running!

 

This isn’t usually what I write around here, but I wanted to share this. No regrets 🙂

In the Fitbit club!

I bought it! I splurged and bought the FitBit Charge 2 and in the rosegold/lavender coloured version.

I am very excited about this. And kind of nervous about it too. Will it help me in any way? At all? Will I hate wearing it around my wrist? Will I find it motivating to see the numbers?

I hope it works out in my favour. In any case I just finished setting it up and now did my first 250 steps while wearing it. Exciting. No matter how it works out I believe I can say we’re off to a good start.

Bad mood

It is one of those days.. Im in a bad mood. Look at me the wrong way and I will bite your head off. 

Every small thing annoys me terribly and I’m negative towards everything. 

What do you do then? I mean.. What do you do when that happens? 
Here’s my ideas/options:

  1. Crawl into bed and stay there forever and accept that today is bad.
  2. Go to the gym even though I’m not comfortable there yet – but maybe today is good for that cause it can’t get any worse – and get anger out on the machines.
  3. Force myself to look at things with a brighter mind and hope that the forced attitude will become reality. 

Does the sun bring expectation?

Here’s a thought….

In winter it is almost expected that you snuggle up under the blanket and binge movies or shows.

In summer you’re expected to go out – get tan, enjoy the weather and so on.

 

I have had many negative experiences during summertime. Or what I remember as negatives. People commenting on how pale I was. People judging me for not wearing shorts. Getting annoying comments because I wanted to watch sport events on tv (Tour de France, Football championships, the Olympics ..). Feeling uncomfortable in my bathing suit because I was overweight. Getting the weird eyebrow-twitch from people when they hear the fact that I don’t particular enjoy the ocean or the beach.

Basically summer brings a lot of things that make me feel like people are judging me. Like they’re not understanding my feelings or they simply don’t respect my opinions. I feel like those things has made me evolve negative feelings towards the season in general. As summer gets closer the expectations grow bigger too. Go out. Don’t hide at home. Lose some clothes. Lose some weight. Get some sun.

I don’t think people mean bad, but it is hard for them to understand that I don’t share the excitement that they feel.

I don’t have a huge conclusion to this. It was just a thought I’ve been having lately. The only thing that I feel is right to end this now, is the wish that I – and you reading this – will learn from it. Respect and listen to each other and don’t force our own feelings upon someone else.

Motivation for weight loss

2017-05-31 02.43.07.jpg

Basically it’s just a list – but how motivating is this?!

It’s childish and not as artsy as some of the other weight trackers I’ve seen – but the coloured side is amazing! And it’s just up to me to lose weight and that way expand the colours. An extra added motivational factor is the text by 85 kgs, – it says “Hairdresser” in Danish, which of course means that I can get a haircut with I reached the 85 kgs.

Here’s to hoping for progress!