I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.
I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.
I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.
When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.
It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.
If you’ve found something that does – then keep it and treasure it forever. I’m not the sort of person that sits alone and chuckles or giggles – or even openly laughs out loud. But there are some things that will do it.
And I try to remember and save those things to repeat again at some other time, cause odds are that I will laugh at them then too. And it’s important.
Laughing can’t be valued to high, it brings joy to the soul and a smile on my face.
Honestly I probably don’t do it enough. Find things to laugh about in my daily life, I mean. I should. I think it would make the dark days a bit lighter, it could bring a bit of life when I feel emptiness or even maybe, just a small smile on a grey day.
I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.
I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.
I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.
I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.
My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.
It’s been a while coming. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for maybe 3 years – one of which I’ve known what I was up against.
I think maybe I’m getting to the spot where I do actually know a lot about what my struggle is. Not necessarily why, but I know what signs to look out for and how to protect myself.
It’s a key part to getting better, at least that’s what I believe. It’s easier to fight a known enemy, than one you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy at all though. It’s taken time for me to accept that and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even done that yet.
Acceptance is a big step. Accepting that I’m weak. I am not as strong as I thought and all the times I’ve though “that wont happen to me” – they just don’t matter anymore, cause guess what, it did happen. And now it’s time to accept it, give in and start fighting back.
If you’ve read a few earlier posts from me, you will know that I struggled this weekend. I wanted to go away with people from my club, but found it extremely hard due to my depression and anxiety. Saturday morning I was 95 % sure I wasn’t going anywhere and I was upset with myself for it.
But then I kept working on it. I didn’t give up on myself or the idea of going. I started thinking about calling some of the people who had already gone, to hear what they had to say. I didn’t actually make any calls, but I imagined. They would support me, they would offer to look out for me and keep close, they would say they missed me.
It’s actually hard for me to imagine those thoughts, cause I tend to think that no one would care if I were there or not. But they would. They do care. They told me that once I got there.
Cause I did end up going! It wasn’t luck. It was hard work, but I did it. I conquered. I fought through my feelings and thoughts, my instincts and instead I went with my dream of going – and my want. My need.
I don’t know how to label what I was feeling and doing right then, but somehow, I found myself in a car, on the way – and it felt like a victory.
For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.
I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.
I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up
I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.
No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!
Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.
I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.
It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.
And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.
The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.
At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.
I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.
As the title implies, today I went to my first workout-class ever. And I’m proud of myself for doing it.
It was tough! The instructor was saying that we should keep moving unless we were about to die – and I did feel like that might be the case several times! But I worked through it. Of course I took some breaks and had sips of water between stuff, but I did it all! I kept moving even when I thought my body would kick me, and even though I was panting like never before and my face was red like a mix between a strawberry and a tomato. (more…)
Sometimes you come over a song, a poem or an article. Anything that makes you stop and think, you relate. You believe this person can see right into your soul and has written this about you. Or maybe instead you feel like this person has taken your thoughts and put them into words that you could not form yourself.
One of those days where acting like a proper grown up is just too much. Actually I should say a few of those days. Cause I’ve had more than once this week.
I’ve pretty much cancelled everything that I’d planned to do this week in favour for staying home alone with my computer. It has become a pattern to me.
I’m binge watching Friends. I’m constantly checking facebook and instagram. I’m checking the news and the sports section. I’m going through all my youtube subscriptions. I’m wasting time. I am hiding.
There’s nothing new in that. In fact, it’s a bit too well-known for me. But it’s okay. I’m letting myself feel okay about it.
I have reasons. Yes I do. I need to remind myself of that. I’m not weak for staying home. I’m taking a look at what I need and what I’m capable of in that moment and I’m acting on it.
Later I will be stronger and I’ll go through with my plans, but this week it’s okay to stay home. I’ll be stronger soon. That’s the hope anyway.