depression

Staying busy as a strategy

I’m most likely not the only one with this idea – actually it is known to be a very common coping mechanism: Staying so busy that you don’t let anything bad catch up with you.

For me ‘busy’ is actually a bit of a stretch, cause a big part of my time (more than most others’) is spent sleeping and that counts majorly as part of my strategy – both mind and body are busy when sleeping.

Busy can be watching youtube videos too.  Cleaning up and planning stuff (and writing it out) are also important parts of keeping myself busy.

It’s when I stop and think – when I’m out of videos to watch, when I let the quietness sink in over me or a sad sing fill my mind – that I start feeling sad or depressed. Stressed even. But the most common feeling right now is sadness. Lack of anything positive, lack of want – lack of energy. It leaves me feeling sad inside, a feeling that I’m not comfortable with most of the time.

But there’s worse than sad. My worst feeling is fear. Being scared.

A happy, uplifting song doesn’t help me feel less scared. Cleaning doesn’t put the scary feelings away even if I make an effort. Once I feel scared there’s not much else for me to do than to wait till it passes naturally.

Then I need to get busy. While feeling scared my beed is the best way to keep busy. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes just hiding.

 

Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.

 

Important appointment

Psych-ward. Is that what they called it? Tomorrow I have an appointment at the psychological hospital, the department for anxiety and depression.

Me being me, I sit at home, nervous about it. And I do what I always do when I’m nervous: I keep myself awake instead of going to sleep at night.

The thought is that if I sleep the time will pass faster and suddenly it will be time for the scary thing, by keeping awake the time passes slowly and I get mor time to prepare (or in reality – more time to get even more nervous). It’s not a good way to deal – but it’s how my body reacts. Even if my mind tells me that it’s not a good plan at all and that there aren’t actually any good things about the strategy at all.

I don’t know what I am scared of about the appointment tomorrow. Not really. I mean, part of it is that it’s a place that I’ve never been before. Part is the transportation. But mostly I think it is the talk part. Will I be able to convey my feelings and thoughts? Will they be able to understand? Will they offer a treatment that I like? Will they want to do things that scare me?

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen after the first appointment. It’s only a talk where they get to know me and then decide where to go from there – but I have no idea where we would go. Therapy? Maybe. I don’t even know the possibilities.

What is keeping me relatively calm and motivated to go is the fact that it is a step towards getting better. Feeling better. Going away from being sick. It’s the goal. It’s a step and hopefully a step in the right decision, even if it is very hard to put on my shoes and start walking.

Mood down

Mood down today. Call help.

What if you could call an order like that. Like on a plane, the pilot calling the tower, “left tank down, tell me how to fix it” – and then they give you the exact instructions on what to do in order to solve the problem and get back to normal again or at least how to safely get through the situation.

I’d like to be able to do that. “Mood low, send solution now”, “Energy levels not good, what to do?” or even,  “Things are going downhill, in need of uplift”. And then receive instructions right away on how to deal with the sitation.

Things would be a lot easier then.

What makes you laugh when you’re alone?

If you’ve found something that does – then keep it and treasure it forever. I’m not the sort of person that sits alone and chuckles or giggles – or even openly laughs out loud. But there are some things that will do it.

And I try to remember and save those things to repeat again at some other time, cause odds are that I will laugh at them then too. And it’s important.
Laughing can’t be valued to high, it brings joy to the soul and a smile on my face.

Honestly I probably don’t do it enough. Find things to laugh about in my daily life, I mean. I should. I think it would make the dark days a bit lighter, it could bring a bit of life when I feel emptiness or even maybe, just a small smile on a grey day.

When dealing with depression and anxiety

It’s been a while coming. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for maybe 3 years – one of which I’ve known what I was up against.

I think maybe I’m getting to the spot where I do actually know a lot about what my struggle is. Not necessarily why, but I know what signs to look out for and how to protect myself.

It’s a key part to getting better, at least that’s what I believe. It’s easier to fight a known enemy, than one you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy at all though. It’s taken time for me to accept that and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even done that yet.

Acceptance is a big step. Accepting that I’m weak. I am not as strong as I thought and all the times I’ve though “that wont happen to me” – they just don’t matter anymore, cause guess what, it did happen. And now it’s time to accept it, give in and start fighting back.

It wasn’t luck. I conquered!

If you’ve read a few earlier posts from me, you will know that I struggled this weekend. I wanted to go away with people from my club, but found it extremely hard due to my depression and anxiety. Saturday morning I was 95 % sure I wasn’t going anywhere and I was upset with myself for it.

But then I kept working on it. I didn’t give up on myself or the idea of going. I started thinking about calling some of the people who had already gone, to hear what they had to say. I didn’t actually make any calls, but I imagined. They would support me, they would offer to look out for me and keep close, they would say they missed me.

It’s actually hard for me to imagine those thoughts, cause I tend to think that no one would care if I were there or not. But they would. They do care. They told me that once I got there.

Cause I did end up going! It wasn’t luck. It was hard work, but I did it. I conquered. I fought through my feelings and thoughts, my instincts and instead I went with my dream of going – and my want. My need.

I don’t know how to label what I was feeling and doing right then, but somehow, I found myself in a car, on the way – and it felt like a victory.

Luck – not today!

For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.

I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.

I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety  that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up

I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.

I just…

No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!

 

Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind. 

Nerves concerning this weekend

I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.

It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.

And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.

The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.

At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.

I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.