I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.
I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.
I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.
When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.
It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.
Staring at the dead flowers in my window.
Should have gotten rid of them by now.
On my desk is a huge stack of dishes.
Should have cleaned them.
More dishes on my table.
The mess on the floor.
My suitcase from last time I saw parents.
Trash from when I got my new pens.
Empty bottles I should deliver.
And even though all that stuff is there.
Stuff that would be so easy to just do and get over with.
I don’t think about it.
I’m floating around in a space in my head.
It’s mostly grey, clouded.
I can’t focus in there.
I can’t take action in there.
I’m immersed in the clouds.
It feels more like rain.
Hitting my face.
Wetting me and everything around me.
Making it impossible to focus on anything.
My mind is a mace. I’ve entered with no way of finding my way back to where I got in and now I gotta find another way out. But it’s not just around the first corner, or the second. I might need to go through obstacles, thorns maybe. Maybe there’s a river in the middle of everything that I gotta swim over, making sure not to get taken away by it. Making sure not to drown. Or maybe there’s a huge easy way I can go at times. More often that not though, that is a dead end and I’ll just have wasted my time.
Just a ramble from me.. Do any of you ever feel like that?