life

The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

Bad mood

It is one of those days.. Im in a bad mood. Look at me the wrong way and I will bite your head off. 

Every small thing annoys me terribly and I’m negative towards everything. 

What do you do then? I mean.. What do you do when that happens? 
Here’s my ideas/options:

  1. Crawl into bed and stay there forever and accept that today is bad.
  2. Go to the gym even though I’m not comfortable there yet – but maybe today is good for that cause it can’t get any worse – and get anger out on the machines.
  3. Force myself to look at things with a brighter mind and hope that the forced attitude will become reality. 

Redecorating

Lately a lot of things have filled my mind and my life – but one of the more visible changes have been redecorating my room. It’s still in progress as one of the major things was removing a giant bookcase that was filled with my stuff and replacing with much smaller furniture – so right now I’ve got boxes with stuff that I don’t know where to put.

It’s a great chance for me to get rid of stuff that I don’t need or use. I love the more minimalistic look and so far I’m really pleased with it.

Moodboard for the change:Moodboard room 1.jpg

What makes you laugh when you’re alone?

If you’ve found something that does – then keep it and treasure it forever. I’m not the sort of person that sits alone and chuckles or giggles – or even openly laughs out loud. But there are some things that will do it.

And I try to remember and save those things to repeat again at some other time, cause odds are that I will laugh at them then too. And it’s important.
Laughing can’t be valued to high, it brings joy to the soul and a smile on my face.

Honestly I probably don’t do it enough. Find things to laugh about in my daily life, I mean. I should. I think it would make the dark days a bit lighter, it could bring a bit of life when I feel emptiness or even maybe, just a small smile on a grey day.

My return is now!

I am so happy to say that as of now, I should be back to my regular life again.
Which means, I will be blogging again!

I stayed eleven days at a hospital – and previously had a few weeks of pain where I couldn’t focus and couldn’t live normally, but now I should be back and ready to get my life back to what it was – or even better.

My energy levels are low, but have gone way up – and since I’m no longer in pain, I am finally able to see past it. I’ve never been in so much pain before, for anyone asking, gallstones leading to an infected pancreas is no joke! Honestly, it’s actually deadly for some – however, I was one of the 85% that seemingly gets through the sickness without troubles. I am so thankful for that!

Now it’s just small steps back to normal life, small steps to get my body used to not getting morphine and small steps to get my exercise levels up. Seriously.. while at the hospital, walking 200 meters was hard!

Wish me luck!

Freedom in flying

Sometimes I dream. I dream a lot actually. Good and bad, terrifying nightmares and perfectly happy amazing dreams.

When I look at this picture I feel like I might be dreaming. Dreaming of freedom.
Freedom from my mind and all the bad stuff.

There is nothing bad in this photo. It’s just… it’s hopeful. I don’t know if anyone else share that feeling, but that is what I get from looking at it.

The photo isn’t mine. I found it on tumblr a long time ago while searching for something random. But since I’ve looked at it many times. For a long time I even had it hanging on my closet along with a bunch of other photos.

I can’t  explain it, but there’s no need. Collect all the things that make you feel hopeful and happy. Keep them to yourself or share them, but most importantly, don’t let anyone take them away from you and say that it’s wrong. tumblr_lrj8amBQCx1qdusdao1_500.jpg

A question for you

This is simple. What do you do on those days when everything seems meaningless? Just a day when you wanna throw in the towel, stay in bed forever and not do any of the things that are expected of you.

I’ve been having a few too many of those days lately, so I am honestly looking for advice.

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.