Lately a lot of things have filled my mind and my life – but one of the more visible changes have been redecorating my room. It’s still in progress as one of the major things was removing a giant bookcase that was filled with my stuff and replacing with much smaller furniture – so right now I’ve got boxes with stuff that I don’t know where to put.
It’s a great chance for me to get rid of stuff that I don’t need or use. I love the more minimalistic look and so far I’m really pleased with it.
If you’ve found something that does – then keep it and treasure it forever. I’m not the sort of person that sits alone and chuckles or giggles – or even openly laughs out loud. But there are some things that will do it.
And I try to remember and save those things to repeat again at some other time, cause odds are that I will laugh at them then too. And it’s important.
Laughing can’t be valued to high, it brings joy to the soul and a smile on my face.
Honestly I probably don’t do it enough. Find things to laugh about in my daily life, I mean. I should. I think it would make the dark days a bit lighter, it could bring a bit of life when I feel emptiness or even maybe, just a small smile on a grey day.
I am so happy to say that as of now, I should be back to my regular life again.
Which means, I will be blogging again!
I stayed eleven days at a hospital – and previously had a few weeks of pain where I couldn’t focus and couldn’t live normally, but now I should be back and ready to get my life back to what it was – or even better.
My energy levels are low, but have gone way up – and since I’m no longer in pain, I am finally able to see past it. I’ve never been in so much pain before, for anyone asking, gallstones leading to an infected pancreas is no joke! Honestly, it’s actually deadly for some – however, I was one of the 85% that seemingly gets through the sickness without troubles. I am so thankful for that!
Now it’s just small steps back to normal life, small steps to get my body used to not getting morphine and small steps to get my exercise levels up. Seriously.. while at the hospital, walking 200 meters was hard!
Sometimes I dream. I dream a lot actually. Good and bad, terrifying nightmares and perfectly happy amazing dreams.
When I look at this picture I feel like I might be dreaming. Dreaming of freedom.
Freedom from my mind and all the bad stuff.
There is nothing bad in this photo. It’s just… it’s hopeful. I don’t know if anyone else share that feeling, but that is what I get from looking at it.
The photo isn’t mine. I found it on tumblr a long time ago while searching for something random. But since I’ve looked at it many times. For a long time I even had it hanging on my closet along with a bunch of other photos.
I can’t explain it, but there’s no need. Collect all the things that make you feel hopeful and happy. Keep them to yourself or share them, but most importantly, don’t let anyone take them away from you and say that it’s wrong.
I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.
I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.
I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.
I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.
My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.
It’s been a while coming. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for maybe 3 years – one of which I’ve known what I was up against.
I think maybe I’m getting to the spot where I do actually know a lot about what my struggle is. Not necessarily why, but I know what signs to look out for and how to protect myself.
It’s a key part to getting better, at least that’s what I believe. It’s easier to fight a known enemy, than one you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy at all though. It’s taken time for me to accept that and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even done that yet.
Acceptance is a big step. Accepting that I’m weak. I am not as strong as I thought and all the times I’ve though “that wont happen to me” – they just don’t matter anymore, cause guess what, it did happen. And now it’s time to accept it, give in and start fighting back.