victory

Journey towards a better health!

“That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.”

In some of my previous posts I’ve mentioned my weight loss journey – it’s still going on.

The point of my journey is not to become totally fit or buff and show off a ton of muscles. It’s much more down to earth. Much more simple.

I want to be healthy.

Since I’ve started I’ve become healthier and that’s going in the right direction. Sadly, I’ve been challenged a lot in 2017 with different things so far and it has affected my ability to focus on my lifestyle. I have become more lazy with my food and I have not had the extra energy to do the exercise I wish I did.

These last few weeks I wont even say that I’ve lived healthier than I did a year ago, but the thing is – the great thing – is that it’s not the norm anymore. These last few weeks have been abnormal compared to how I live now. Burgers and fries aren’t a part of a usual week for me anymore! That’s a victory!

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve put this perspective on myself and how I live – and it just might be the way to get me back on track. I slipped up. I did. But the only terrible thing about that would be if that slip up kept me away from going back on track. Cause I was on the way towards something really good!

Healthy might not be right around the corner, but I’m so much closer than I was a year ago and that’s amazing. It’s not always about how far you’ve got to go, but how far you’ve already come. How far I have come.

That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.

 

Feeling crowded and overwhelmed

It’s been a while since I felt like this. Heart rate picking up, sweat starting to appear on my face and a rush inside me that just tells me to get out and away from everyone. But I felt like that today.

I was out. Since getting home from the hospital, my energy has been very low and actually I wasn’t quite up for going out today, but I had a package waiting to be picked up that could not wait any longer so there was a big reason to go. So I did. And it was good. However, while my energy kept up – it might even have spiked from the fresh air and walk, I got worn out in a way I hadn’t expected, even if I maybe should have.

I was in line for the cash register in a store, and ahead of me was guy who had both a wife and two children who ran past me in the small isle, and he was busy speaking to the employee in a different language that I didn’t understand. So busy in fact that when it was my turn he didn’t move and I had to literally go stand right between the two men as I paid – while at the same time, suddenly there was another man behind me, who they also knew and he joined the conversation.

I’m not against having different people in my country. I’m not against them speaking their own language – but it made me so uncomfortable to be caught in the middle, with none of them even taking notice of me or making room. It wasn’t considerate of them. It just wasn’t.

I’m so happy I only had two items to pay for, and then quickly I was able to move past the first man (who by the way still hadn’t moved!) and get out of there and find a space for me to breathe and get my body to calm down again.

Being crowded triggers my anxiety. Not being able to get away easily, being surrounded by people. Strangers. It’s not a good feeling for me, and somehow among all the worrying if I would even be physically able to handle the trip I forgot to include the fact that I might meet other obstacles.

The good thing about it all though, is that I made it. I got myself to calm down and stayed another half hour in the shopping center before I left. I felt with a good feeling. I’d done what I came for, I’d gotten what I needed and I was in a good place going home.

Forcing optimism upon myself

I’m not sure about the title for this post, but it was the best I could do right now do describe what I’m trying to do with this collage.

I know photos is one way of affecting my brain and my way of thinking. I hope that this can work for others besides me, but the idea is that photos can bring good thoughts to you and lead positivity through your mind instead of misery and hopelessness.

These pictures scream spring to me. They’re happy and they light up everything around them. It’s a miniature mood board, designed to lift your, and my, mood. It might not be much, but even a little bit is a victory.

Disclaimer: Photos found on tumblr years ago, not mine. 

First workout-class ever! My experience.

As the title implies, today I went to my first workout-class ever. And I’m proud of myself for doing it.

It was tough! The instructor was saying that we should keep moving unless we were about to die – and I did feel like that might be the case several times! But I worked through it. Of course I took some breaks and had sips of water between stuff, but I did it all! I kept moving even when I thought my body would kick me, and even though I was panting like never before and my face was red like a mix between a strawberry and a tomato.  (more…)

I’ve actually lost 30 pounds!

I just.. wow. Ohmffghgg.. That’s a big number! I mean.. 30. Thirty pounds.

Yes. Yes! YES!

I hadn’t actually understood that before. I’m smiling right now. Realising that I’ve done this. I’ve made this happen. I’ve… I’ve actually lost 30 pounds off of my body weight.

I’m…. I’m proud of myself. That’s a hard thing for me to say, but right now it is true. I am proud of myself.

I can’t even.. I just.. the times I’ve googled “easy weightloss”, “how to lose weight fast”, “exercise for overweight people”, “how to lose 10 pounds”.. I found my way, and it’s worked so far.

This gives me the energy to keep going and hopefully reach my goal.

Presentation with anxiety – did it!

I made it through! I did my presentation. I was nervous and I felt like a mess. But I did it!

I pretty much had the whole day free before going – but after not getting any sleep between Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Like.. A lot. And the time I were awake I just felt my nerves going higher and higher. So I went back to bed again and had a nap before having to get ready to go.

I had cake for dinner. Not a great idea for someone who’s trying to lose a lot of weight – but because I napped I didn’t have time to make my dinner, so it was my only option really. And then I left.
At this point I was fairly nervous. A lot. And didn’t want to leave. But I did. I had spoken to both my sister, mum and bestie that day and they all believed in me, and bestie reminded me how much I like being with these people once I get past the first, hardest part.

So I went outside. And there was snow everywhere! And it was so pretty it might have been a dream. And it made me smile. Maybe one of the only times that day. And I went..

I sat there.. I small talked.. I had a glass of water and listened to other people giving their presentations about how things were going and then it was my turn. And it went as good as it could have. I hesitated a bunch of times and felt insecure about my voice and unsure if I was communicating the right things that I wanted – but I did it!

I felt nervous and my heart was beating out of my chest and my face was flushed and kinda sweaty – but I did it! I had done it! And there were only two small questions after, both which I could easily answer. And then I sat back down and was met by comforting and proud faces, telling me I’d gone a great job.

Honestly I didn’t feel like I had myself, but I’d done it and that was enough. Later came more reassuring. They thought I’d been amazing and had done everything I’d said would be hard for me. They high-fived me later and I started feeling proud of myself – cause YES! I had done it! I did it. I feared – but I conquered. And now I feel proud too.

The night turned out really good in the end, the four of us talking till way past midnight and I have gotten a bit closer to these people, or some of them, and now feel a little more secure with them. Baby steps. But steps no less.

Victory.

Thursday evening going out – battling anxiety.

Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies) 

“Hi”
“Hi”
“What are you doing?”
“Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?”
“I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.”
“You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening)
“Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly)
“Why?”
“I don’t know..”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.”  (more…)

First proper workout in 2017!

Finally it happened! I’ve had good reasons for not going to the gym yet, but the last 8-10 days I’ve actually been ready to go again, and yet I haven’t actually gone. Until today.

I feel so proud of myself. Originally I was gonna go tomorrow with my sister, but I was just kinda in the mood today, so I made myself get my ass out of here. And guys, it feels so good sitting at home now, knowing I’ve done it.

I worked out for an hour – and even though I wasn’t really feeling it after the first half hour I kept going. I’m not the type of person who actually enjoys the workout a ton while doing it, but once I’m done I always feel proud of myself. Actually, today is the first time I did a pre-set program on the treadmill – I’ve aways been too scared to do that. But I did it! I could handle it and I finished the 30 minutes it lasted!!

It’s hard to go out with my anxiety – especially this time, cause at christmas the center had a remodelling so everything was different. I didn’t like walking around and not finding the usual machines, and not knowing the settings on the new ones. But I went with baby steps and took my time. I didn’t pressure myself and I tried not to care if anyone were watching me and seeing that I did things wrong.

 

Feeling closer to new friends

As some of you might have read in my earlier posts Nervous about upcoming weekend and About this weekend.. I had a special weekend planned and now, since it’s over I’ll let you all know how it went – how I conquered it.

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My anxiety and depression

This is a big step.. I’ve never been particular open about my anxiety or my depression before.

Tomorrow there will be a post about how it all started – or how it all started as far as I know. I’ve recently started going to a new psychologist who is talking more about childhood and stuff and I have a feeling we might see that it’s all started before I think it has.

My symptoms are usually: Stomach aches, headaches, shivering all over, voice cracking, crying, need to be alone, need to be at home.

My anxiety and my lack of ability to handle it eventually made me quit my education and pull back from all social activities. I started having a hard time going out, even to buy groceries or to see my best friends. The only people I let myself be around was my close family, but I would keep it a secret how badly I felt and how isolated I’d become. Today they know how I feel and I’ve gotten treatment. Or I started treatment. (more…)