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The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

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When lyrics express your thoughts better than you ever could yourself

It is often hard to express my own feelings – and then once in a while I am almost overwhelmed with how well another person has already done it. Sia created this song around 15 years ago now, and I am sure I am not alone in feeling like she’s read my mind before the thoughts even existed.

“Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

(Lyrics from Breathe Me by Sia)

A Great Big World – Music rec

A Great Big World – what a confusing band name, but I have to admit that I love it quite a lot.

I wanna love and be the one who is loved
No, I won’t stop dreaming
‘Cause this isn’t over
It’s never over

– Lyric from “Won’t Stop Running” by A Great Big World

I’ve been listening to some songs of theirs for a while now, and they never fail to make me feel something. The lead singer’s voice can be both tender and direct in a way that makes me listen really carefully. It’s soft but still has an edge. And the music just… I love it. They have written songs with purpose. That’s something I like listening to.

The way his voice harmonises with Aguilera’s on “Say Something” gives me chills every time I hear it. “Already Home” makes me feel loved and hopeful and “Won’t Stop Running” gives me courage and optimism, and even a bit of stubbornness that nothing will ever make me stop running!

 

This isn’t usually what I write around here, but I wanted to share this. No regrets 🙂

Journey towards a better health!

“That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.”

In some of my previous posts I’ve mentioned my weight loss journey – it’s still going on.

The point of my journey is not to become totally fit or buff and show off a ton of muscles. It’s much more down to earth. Much more simple.

I want to be healthy.

Since I’ve started I’ve become healthier and that’s going in the right direction. Sadly, I’ve been challenged a lot in 2017 with different things so far and it has affected my ability to focus on my lifestyle. I have become more lazy with my food and I have not had the extra energy to do the exercise I wish I did.

These last few weeks I wont even say that I’ve lived healthier than I did a year ago, but the thing is – the great thing – is that it’s not the norm anymore. These last few weeks have been abnormal compared to how I live now. Burgers and fries aren’t a part of a usual week for me anymore! That’s a victory!

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve put this perspective on myself and how I live – and it just might be the way to get me back on track. I slipped up. I did. But the only terrible thing about that would be if that slip up kept me away from going back on track. Cause I was on the way towards something really good!

Healthy might not be right around the corner, but I’m so much closer than I was a year ago and that’s amazing. It’s not always about how far you’ve got to go, but how far you’ve already come. How far I have come.

That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.

 

Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.

 

Exposed (part one maybe?)

How private are you guys?

I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.

I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.

I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.

When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.

It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.

Get more energy!

About tricking myself into thinking I have more energy than I actually do.

How do you get more energy? Well.. First there’s the whole thing about calories being energy so naturally that will mean that if you eat you get energy. I guess that’s a good step one.

Step two is smiling. When you smile everything becomes a little bit easier. In this case, easier to pretend – easier to step up.

Step three is to take action instead of over thinking. Instead of planning everything, for instance what you will wear, what you will eat and so on; go straight to the closet and pick something out quickly. Either the top of the stack (odds are you have worn it recently and like it since it’s at the top) or simply take yesterday’s clothes from the floor and put on. The floor is usually where I keep the clothes from the previous day.

Next step, step four, is an extra step I take sometimes: dolling myself up. That means adding perfume, makeup and doing my hair a little bit. It doesn’t have to be fancy or beautiful – it’s enough to have made a little bit of an effort, it livens up my face – my mood and therefore raises my energy.
These are my tips on how to trick mind and body into raising it’s energy levels and performing with more energy. Please let me know if you’ve got your own ideas for steps that I can try, cause I will admit that my steps aren’t 100% effective all the time 😉

 

 

Went looking for sunshine

– guess where I found it?

It’s an early morning – too early. Actually I havn’t been to bed yet. These last few days night and day have been switched around for me, no particular reason why. It just happens.

But since I was up, I decided to go see the sunrise. I wanted to see when the grey night turned into the colorful day. But I live too low, there are too many buildings and fences and trees around me, so I went on a walk to see it. Walked for a while to the highest point I know, only to finally get there and realise that it was surrounded by even higher buildings, so I could see even less than at my own place.

I was feeling rather sad about this – more than I thought i would. Tears were actually starting to run down my cheeks as I walked back. I don’t know why. Didn’t understand my own feelings, I was just so sad. So upset. Disappointed.

And then. Then as I took the turn into the road where I live suddenly I was bathed in orange light and I saw by shadow on the ground in front of me stretch out far.
I turned around, and there, there was the sun, just rising up above some trees and clouds in the horizon. And I smiled.

I’m not sure if there’s some big life lesson to be learned about this. If doesn’t come to you right in the way and the place you want, to stop looking around so desperately for it, and instead be patient and let time take it’s course? Maybe not. But either way, today I got what I wanted, even if it was right there I started out looking for it.

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A question for you

This is simple. What do you do on those days when everything seems meaningless? Just a day when you wanna throw in the towel, stay in bed forever and not do any of the things that are expected of you.

I’ve been having a few too many of those days lately, so I am honestly looking for advice.

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.