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The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

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Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.

 

A question for you

This is simple. What do you do on those days when everything seems meaningless? Just a day when you wanna throw in the towel, stay in bed forever and not do any of the things that are expected of you.

I’ve been having a few too many of those days lately, so I am honestly looking for advice.

Something about weight-loss

“How to lose weight with minimal effort”  – see, that’s a book I would read!
Unfortunately for myself and my body, I have lots of things on my mind, and losing weight is only one of them. It’s not even the top one. But I still gotta do it.
Therefore I have sometimes wondered about the easiest way to lose weight, I’ve tried to find the trick on how to cheat my body and spent hours online searching for the easiest way to lose weight, the fastest way to lose weight and to find the secret behind weight-loss.

I’ve come to realise one thing though. It’s not a trick. Not a secret. It’s math. It’s about calories. It’s about consuming and burning calories. And the point is, if you burn more than you consume then you’ll lose weight. It’s that simple.

So stop looking for the easy way out. The easiest way to weight-loss is what you make it out to be. If you lose 100 grams a week it’s still losing weight and it’s not as hard as you might think.
But take my advice, and stop trying to look for the perfect way and just get started on what you know.

 

Stream of thought..

Staring at the dead flowers in my window.
Should have gotten rid of them by now.
On my desk is a huge stack of dishes.
Should have cleaned them.
More dishes on my table.
The mess on the floor.
My suitcase from last time I saw parents.
Trash from when I got my new pens.
Empty bottles I should deliver.

And even though all that stuff is there.
Stuff that would be so easy to just do and get over with.
I don’t think about it.
I can’t.

I’m floating around in a space in my head.
It’s mostly grey, clouded.
I can’t focus in there.
I can’t take action in there.
I’m immersed in the clouds.
Or rain.
It feels more like rain.
Hitting my face.
Wetting me and everything around me.
Making it impossible to focus on anything.

Will I get out?