experience

Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.

 

Went looking for sunshine

– guess where I found it?

It’s an early morning – too early. Actually I havn’t been to bed yet. These last few days night and day have been switched around for me, no particular reason why. It just happens.

But since I was up, I decided to go see the sunrise. I wanted to see when the grey night turned into the colorful day. But I live too low, there are too many buildings and fences and trees around me, so I went on a walk to see it. Walked for a while to the highest point I know, only to finally get there and realise that it was surrounded by even higher buildings, so I could see even less than at my own place.

I was feeling rather sad about this – more than I thought i would. Tears were actually starting to run down my cheeks as I walked back. I don’t know why. Didn’t understand my own feelings, I was just so sad. So upset. Disappointed.

And then. Then as I took the turn into the road where I live suddenly I was bathed in orange light and I saw by shadow on the ground in front of me stretch out far.
I turned around, and there, there was the sun, just rising up above some trees and clouds in the horizon. And I smiled.

I’m not sure if there’s some big life lesson to be learned about this. If doesn’t come to you right in the way and the place you want, to stop looking around so desperately for it, and instead be patient and let time take it’s course? Maybe not. But either way, today I got what I wanted, even if it was right there I started out looking for it.

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Feeling crowded and overwhelmed

It’s been a while since I felt like this. Heart rate picking up, sweat starting to appear on my face and a rush inside me that just tells me to get out and away from everyone. But I felt like that today.

I was out. Since getting home from the hospital, my energy has been very low and actually I wasn’t quite up for going out today, but I had a package waiting to be picked up that could not wait any longer so there was a big reason to go. So I did. And it was good. However, while my energy kept up – it might even have spiked from the fresh air and walk, I got worn out in a way I hadn’t expected, even if I maybe should have.

I was in line for the cash register in a store, and ahead of me was guy who had both a wife and two children who ran past me in the small isle, and he was busy speaking to the employee in a different language that I didn’t understand. So busy in fact that when it was my turn he didn’t move and I had to literally go stand right between the two men as I paid – while at the same time, suddenly there was another man behind me, who they also knew and he joined the conversation.

I’m not against having different people in my country. I’m not against them speaking their own language – but it made me so uncomfortable to be caught in the middle, with none of them even taking notice of me or making room. It wasn’t considerate of them. It just wasn’t.

I’m so happy I only had two items to pay for, and then quickly I was able to move past the first man (who by the way still hadn’t moved!) and get out of there and find a space for me to breathe and get my body to calm down again.

Being crowded triggers my anxiety. Not being able to get away easily, being surrounded by people. Strangers. It’s not a good feeling for me, and somehow among all the worrying if I would even be physically able to handle the trip I forgot to include the fact that I might meet other obstacles.

The good thing about it all though, is that I made it. I got myself to calm down and stayed another half hour in the shopping center before I left. I felt with a good feeling. I’d done what I came for, I’d gotten what I needed and I was in a good place going home.

Breaking down in tears

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I did it, I broke down in tears in the middle of our group. And I don’t care. I felt safe and loved and no one were judging me.

It was a song that triggered my feelings. It is in danish, but the main content of it – what made the tears well up is something along the lines of this:

Now you are simply allowed to be my child, not my servant.
Now, be little – not adult.
No one makes demands from you. No one judges you.
You are allowed to be weak, let go of all responsibility.
The danger is, that you’ll forget how much of a jewell you are.
That you think too much about the sorrow and need of others, instead of your own.

Now, you can listen instead of talking.
You can just receive, and not always give.
You are allowed to cry – and to share your pain.
You will be held and you will feel our peace.

I ended up curling up in my seat and felt the tears spill over.
A friend next to me laid her arm around me and hugged me. We didn’t speak. People sang, she sang. I just cried. I cried and listened.

I let the words fill my heart and my body. I tried to let go and just.. just be. Just listen. Just take what was given me.

Afterwards I felt lighter. I felt relived. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and it felt good.
As bad as it can be breaking down, the feeling after is worth it all to me.

I just hope I can hold onto this feeling for a while now. I will try to believe the good things.