pain

Farewell 2017

2017 was one of my hardest years. I went through physical illness as well as battling mental illness. I’ve taken so many painkillers it’s not funny at all – and my biggest wish for 2018 is to need less of those.

This post is my way of looking back; Remembering, dealing, saying goodbye. It might not be worth it for anyone else, in that case, it’s just for me.

It’s not fun for me to look back at 2017. I went into the year with great energy from having lost 12 kgs – almost half the weight I was supposed to lose in total, and I was on a roll and ready to continue. It felt so doable and it felt like something I could conquer!

It didn’t even last a week. I got sick with stomach problems and the next 10 days were terrible. Stomach aches, throwing up and barely getting any sleep were some of the stuff I battled those ten days – but I was happy when the ‘bug’ finally went away and I was able to regain my energy again.

Then came the middle of march. And it started again. And it lasted almost two weeks, then, on a day where I had requested homemade pizza for dinner at my parents house with my entire family, a quick visit to the doctor turned into a hospital stay – and me on a ‘no food’ regulation, until they decided if I was going into surgery that night or not. That evening I could barely talk or think about anything but food. During a short nap in the hospital bed I even dreamed of swimming in lasagna and cream sauce.

12 days. That’s how long it took before I was released from the hospital again. It had taken a while – and a lot of pain – but they had actually found the reason for my illness and had given me enough morphine to take the pain away, until my body fought the inflammation in my pancreas. That was the diagnosis: Pancreatitis caused by gallstones.

I left, completely worn out but happy to finally put a name on what had been wrong with my body – and most likely also the reason for my ‘attacks’, like I had in January. But my body had suffered and my energy levels were low for a very long time, moths after even. Weightloss became impossible.

Along with fighting the low energy and gaining my normal body functions back, I fought my mental health. The physical pain hadn’t made my depression and anxiety disappear. It sort of felt like they had been put on hold? Does that make even make sense? I don’t know. But I know, that it felt so much harder to battle it after the hospital stay.

My energy was low and my depression was strong.

My family and few friends were the only thing that kept me going for a long time. Exercise didn’t happen at all – it was too hard to leave the house, and even when I managed, my energy didn’t reach very far at all. Something that used to be easy, like going grocery shopping to the nearest store, became exhausting. Everything was hard. It became a battle.

It’s hard living like that. Expecting one thing from yourself and the results being something else. I kept going like that through summer and fall mostly. I don’t know how life went by like that. Sitting here I remember my family holiday during summer and one during fall – everything else is blurry. Did I even live? Really live? If i’m being honest, I think I just existed. Took the pills I was prescribed. Participated in a study that might help depression, but didn’t help me. I went to see my family sometimes, but nothing major happened.

Major… hah. Well. Except I became ‘major’. No. It’s not funny. I ate like crap most of the days. Candy was easy to buy and way easier than to cook something healthy. Accessible. My weight went up. In december I reached 98 kgs again. Now just 5 kgs away from my starting weight. So much work has gone out the window.

It makes me sad. Makes me want to give up – throw in the towel. Except, I’m not allowed. I need to be down to 78 by the time my teeth have been moved enough to do my jaw-surgery. I haven’t mentioned that yet, but my teeth have been reason for a lot of pain this year too.

I got two wisdom teeth surgically removed in January, and three other teeth pulled out in October/november. All that hurts. I got braces, that a whole new battle – keeping them clean, having sore teeth, wires poking me. It’s not fun. But; it’s part of a journey that is leading to something great.

That’s how 2018 starts, I hope. As part of my ‘something great’. I even see signs of it already; 1) I might actually be on some medication that seems to work (finally), 2) I’ve been doing group therapy – which, I believe, will be a great tool for me to get better, 3) The braces doesn’t hurt as much now that they’re on – even when they get tightened it’s not as bad as I had expected – and I can actually see my teeth have moved so it’s going the right way!

It’s on it’s way. My ‘something great’. And I’m ready for it!

 

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My return is now!

I am so happy to say that as of now, I should be back to my regular life again.
Which means, I will be blogging again!

I stayed eleven days at a hospital – and previously had a few weeks of pain where I couldn’t focus and couldn’t live normally, but now I should be back and ready to get my life back to what it was – or even better.

My energy levels are low, but have gone way up – and since I’m no longer in pain, I am finally able to see past it. I’ve never been in so much pain before, for anyone asking, gallstones leading to an infected pancreas is no joke! Honestly, it’s actually deadly for some – however, I was one of the 85% that seemingly gets through the sickness without troubles. I am so thankful for that!

Now it’s just small steps back to normal life, small steps to get my body used to not getting morphine and small steps to get my exercise levels up. Seriously.. while at the hospital, walking 200 meters was hard!

Wish me luck!

Heavy anxiety today

It’s too much.

It’s a pit in my stomach.
It’s the tears in my eyes.
It’s the way my breath only barely reaches my chest.
It’s the slight shiver of my hands.

It’s the way I can’t see past myself.
It’s the dizziness I feel when thinking about getting up.
It’s the longing to hide.
It’s the doubt I feel inside.

It’s how every sound scares me.
It’s how I wish the world was gone.
It’s how I wish that I was gone.

It’s not enough.

 

 

Are the pills affecting my mind?

Anyone else ever felt like painkillers were making you drowsy, unable to think properly, make you forget stuff?

Actually I am not sure if it’s the painkillers or the pain itself. I’ve felt like this both in January after my first surgery and now after my second one too.

It is like the pain takes a big chunk of my brain and dedicates that part to pain. And what’s left to think and work for the rest of me is not enough to function like I usually do.
It is a very strange feeling for me. I am not feeling like myself, I keep forgetting stuff I normally wouldn’t, and I am not thinking the way I usually would. It’s just a swarm of stuff going on inside me.
On the upside, it also makes me worry less about stuff I normally would worry a lot about. I simply cant’ fit it all into my mind. That’s how it feels anyway.

Maybe I should just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
(Got an appointment with the hospital tomorrow so hopefully they can help me get well faster)

Stupid doctor!

Or dentist I should say. Refusing to give me antibiotics when my would after the surgery is clearly infected (from what I’ve told the other 3 people I’ve spoken to and what they’ve told me to look out for!).

I was told to call if certain stuff happened – and it did, so I called. And I was made to talk to a Swedish dentist that I barely understood. He did not understand how much pain I am in these days. Of course I am doing better than right after the surgery, and less swollen than it was then, but it’s much worse than it’s supposed to be, and way worse than the first time. And all the things the first dentist told me to look for has happened. Except one fact.. it hasn’t swelled up more since. But honestly, I think if I was 15 kilos lighter it would be showing – cause I can feel it in my cheek, just barely see it being much swollen.

I feel like I’m rambling and I just wanna say that he’s not understanding what I was trying to tell him, and maybe the pills are making me think and speak less clear than I want to, and maybe it’s all gonna be fine. But I’m sick and tired of hurting and I just want it to stop. Give me the medicine!!

(Gonna call again tomorrow and hopefully talk to a nice person again who will understand.)

(Dealing with anxiety and being misunderstood like this over the phone is terrible. Already dreading making the next call.)

In pain – but I’m back!

“I’m baaack!” (which voice did you hear it in in your head?)

I’ve been taking a break from my computer since Friday (Wednesday today) due to my tooth removal surgery that same day. I’ve been in so much pain it’s not at all funny. The funny thing however is that I’ve been looking like.. well, terrible. My left cheek and part of chin swollen to double size – it sort of looked like I had a golf ball inside the left part of my mouth. Just.. worse.

As I said I’ve been in a lot of pain. I still am. But at least it’s going towards a bigger cause and there’s a meaning behind the pain. Plus.. it’s a healing pain. It’s getting better now, not worse.

The swelling has gone way down, and even though I still look far from normal it’s very nice to be closer than I was during the weekend. The pain is also going down, although only a bit and very slowly. But I’m handling it.

I have been at my parents’ place since Saturday and now just got back to my own place. I’m well enough now that I can actually walk to get groceries and eat a tiny bit of food that’s not liquid. I do admit I kinda wanted to stay with my parents and brother for a bit longer, but I have stuff here I that needs me and I did also miss my own bed a little bit.

I’m hoping for a fast recovery but this is worse than the first time – and back then I was in pain for at least two weeks. It’s not looking too good. BUT – progress is key!

Looking for comfort

I’m in so much pain today – and was last night too. I had my tooth removal surgery yesterday and even though I had it before and knew what to expect it’s worse this time. My cheek is swollen even more already and it will get worse today and tomorrow before it should finally slowly go down again.

My mum is picking me up very soon. That’s right. I, 26 years old, need my mum to pick me up and take me home to give me cuddles and look after me. I’m not ashamed. Who doesn’t want their family in times of pain?

My family is my safety net and they’re my most important support. I love them and I’m so thankful I have them, both in times of pain and over all in life.

(Please God, let me keep them forever)

Surgery done!

As nervous as I was about my economy presentation yesterday (Terrified but still doing it! and Presentation with anxiety – did it!), I was just as nervous today about my surgery for removing my wisdom tooth. I had one done in January and now it was time for the next and thankfully last.

It was hard. And very painful now that it’s done. But at least it’s done now. I wont have to repeat it and hopefully the painkillers will work their magic on me well.

It’s been 6 hours since it now and I’m only a little swollen. It will get much worse the next two days, but for now I’m just happy. It hurts, a lot. But I can deal with it so far. I’m just happy that I’m on the other side of these two stressful days and now can focus on the future and whatever I want to!

Of course.. as soon as the pain goes away I mean.

Surgery on Friday

I’m nervous. There. I said it. I admitted it to myself.

I’ve gone through it before, and it is truly not a big surgery at all. They’re operating my last wisdom tooth out. In January I had my first surgery and one taken out, so I’ve been through it all before. Sadly, that is what is making me nervous.

I know how much it hurts afterwards. I know how swollen it gets and how the pain affects me.
I’m nervous about that. How it’ll work into my every day life this time. I can’t go to the gym the first few weeks after, I’m not allowed at first but the most important reason is simply that it hurts too much. It hurt every time I walked the first week, so I’ll most likely be staying home for a good amount of time, it makes me nervous that I might feel both in pain and depressed about the situation.

At least I’m prepared for it. Maybe I’ll ask people to come here, or I’ll have planned stuff that will be able to keep me entertained. I’ll work it out. Just felt the need to say it. I’m nervous.