Friends

The truth about hugs.

When this is all you want and need.
The sad part, is when no one is around to give it to you.

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It wasn’t luck. I conquered!

If you’ve read a few earlier posts from me, you will know that I struggled this weekend. I wanted to go away with people from my club, but found it extremely hard due to my depression and anxiety. Saturday morning I was 95 % sure I wasn’t going anywhere and I was upset with myself for it.

But then I kept working on it. I didn’t give up on myself or the idea of going. I started thinking about calling some of the people who had already gone, to hear what they had to say. I didn’t actually make any calls, but I imagined. They would support me, they would offer to look out for me and keep close, they would say they missed me.

It’s actually hard for me to imagine those thoughts, cause I tend to think that no one would care if I were there or not. But they would. They do care. They told me that once I got there.

Cause I did end up going! It wasn’t luck. It was hard work, but I did it. I conquered. I fought through my feelings and thoughts, my instincts and instead I went with my dream of going – and my want. My need.

I don’t know how to label what I was feeling and doing right then, but somehow, I found myself in a car, on the way – and it felt like a victory.

Nerves concerning this weekend

I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.

It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.

And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.

The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.

At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.

I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.

“We really care about you”

…or in Danish, “Vi holder jo af dig”.

One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.

He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.

I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.

But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.

“We really care about you”

It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.

Presentation with anxiety – did it!

I made it through! I did my presentation. I was nervous and I felt like a mess. But I did it!

I pretty much had the whole day free before going – but after not getting any sleep between Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Like.. A lot. And the time I were awake I just felt my nerves going higher and higher. So I went back to bed again and had a nap before having to get ready to go.

I had cake for dinner. Not a great idea for someone who’s trying to lose a lot of weight – but because I napped I didn’t have time to make my dinner, so it was my only option really. And then I left.
At this point I was fairly nervous. A lot. And didn’t want to leave. But I did. I had spoken to both my sister, mum and bestie that day and they all believed in me, and bestie reminded me how much I like being with these people once I get past the first, hardest part.

So I went outside. And there was snow everywhere! And it was so pretty it might have been a dream. And it made me smile. Maybe one of the only times that day. And I went..

I sat there.. I small talked.. I had a glass of water and listened to other people giving their presentations about how things were going and then it was my turn. And it went as good as it could have. I hesitated a bunch of times and felt insecure about my voice and unsure if I was communicating the right things that I wanted – but I did it!

I felt nervous and my heart was beating out of my chest and my face was flushed and kinda sweaty – but I did it! I had done it! And there were only two small questions after, both which I could easily answer. And then I sat back down and was met by comforting and proud faces, telling me I’d gone a great job.

Honestly I didn’t feel like I had myself, but I’d done it and that was enough. Later came more reassuring. They thought I’d been amazing and had done everything I’d said would be hard for me. They high-fived me later and I started feeling proud of myself – cause YES! I had done it! I did it. I feared – but I conquered. And now I feel proud too.

The night turned out really good in the end, the four of us talking till way past midnight and I have gotten a bit closer to these people, or some of them, and now feel a little more secure with them. Baby steps. But steps no less.

Victory.

Feeling closer to new friends

As some of you might have read in my earlier posts Nervous about upcoming weekend and About this weekend.. I had a special weekend planned and now, since it’s over I’ll let you all know how it went – how I conquered it.

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About this weekend..

I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.

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Nervous about upcoming weekend

This weekend I’m going to a vacation house with 5 friends (new friends. We don’t know each other that well yet) . I’m so excited and have been looking forward to it for a month – but at the same time I’ve got a very bad stomach ache thinking about the trip.

How will I handle not having my own room? Being with people constantly for 48 hours. Keeping a good mood so they’ll like me. Stop my bad thoughts from taking over. Keeping my energy levels up. Getting sleep during the night in a new place – and with someone asleep next to me. Be open enough so we will get to know each other more – but not spill my every little secret. What if my anxiety takes over? What if I get too anxious about leaving and wanna cancel the whole thing?

Thoughts like those are filling my mind right now. But I try keeping them away and occupying myself with other stuff. I will be prepared when it becomes time to leave. I am prepared so thinking about it further won’t calm me down, it’ll just upset me more.

Luckily it’s time for bed. Hopefully I will get some sleep.