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The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

When lyrics express your thoughts better than you ever could yourself

It is often hard to express my own feelings – and then once in a while I am almost overwhelmed with how well another person has already done it. Sia created this song around 15 years ago now, and I am sure I am not alone in feeling like she’s read my mind before the thoughts even existed.

“Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

(Lyrics from Breathe Me by Sia)

A Great Big World – Music rec

A Great Big World – what a confusing band name, but I have to admit that I love it quite a lot.

I wanna love and be the one who is loved
No, I won’t stop dreaming
‘Cause this isn’t over
It’s never over

– Lyric from “Won’t Stop Running” by A Great Big World

I’ve been listening to some songs of theirs for a while now, and they never fail to make me feel something. The lead singer’s voice can be both tender and direct in a way that makes me listen really carefully. It’s soft but still has an edge. And the music just… I love it. They have written songs with purpose. That’s something I like listening to.

The way his voice harmonises with Aguilera’s on “Say Something” gives me chills every time I hear it. “Already Home” makes me feel loved and hopeful and “Won’t Stop Running” gives me courage and optimism, and even a bit of stubbornness that nothing will ever make me stop running!

 

This isn’t usually what I write around here, but I wanted to share this. No regrets 🙂

Does the sun bring expectation?

Here’s a thought….

In winter it is almost expected that you snuggle up under the blanket and binge movies or shows.

In summer you’re expected to go out – get tan, enjoy the weather and so on.

 

I have had many negative experiences during summertime. Or what I remember as negatives. People commenting on how pale I was. People judging me for not wearing shorts. Getting annoying comments because I wanted to watch sport events on tv (Tour de France, Football championships, the Olympics ..). Feeling uncomfortable in my bathing suit because I was overweight. Getting the weird eyebrow-twitch from people when they hear the fact that I don’t particular enjoy the ocean or the beach.

Basically summer brings a lot of things that make me feel like people are judging me. Like they’re not understanding my feelings or they simply don’t respect my opinions. I feel like those things has made me evolve negative feelings towards the season in general. As summer gets closer the expectations grow bigger too. Go out. Don’t hide at home. Lose some clothes. Lose some weight. Get some sun.

I don’t think people mean bad, but it is hard for them to understand that I don’t share the excitement that they feel.

I don’t have a huge conclusion to this. It was just a thought I’ve been having lately. The only thing that I feel is right to end this now, is the wish that I – and you reading this – will learn from it. Respect and listen to each other and don’t force our own feelings upon someone else.

Motivation for weight loss

2017-05-31 02.43.07.jpg

Basically it’s just a list – but how motivating is this?!

It’s childish and not as artsy as some of the other weight trackers I’ve seen – but the coloured side is amazing! And it’s just up to me to lose weight and that way expand the colours. An extra added motivational factor is the text by 85 kgs, – it says “Hairdresser” in Danish, which of course means that I can get a haircut with I reached the 85 kgs.

Here’s to hoping for progress!

Being scared

It’s funny actually. I was writing a post where I mentioned that I hate feeling scared. And then I remembered something I watched today on an episode of Grey’s anatomy. A little girl had a very interesting line. That when she felt scared, she wasn’t supposed to hide under the covers of her bed – she had to turn on the lights to make scary go away.

In general it means not just to try to deal with the scary stuff – but find a way to make the scary thing go away. Not accept it – but find a way to change it. Afraid of the dark – you turn on the light. Afraid of being alone – you find someone to be with.

It can sound like an easy fix, and in some cases an unhealthy way to deal with things, cause if you always keep the light on, you will never actually adjust to darkness. If you’re scared of being alone and always hang out with someone you will never learn how to deal with being alone. But it’s not what the quote means, it just means that you should do something about the situation and not just sit back in acceptance.

I better learn from what I just wrote… not just hide. Not just keep busy, but find a way to get the scary feeling to go away. Well. Easier said than done, but knowing is a good place to start.

Staying busy as a strategy

I’m most likely not the only one with this idea – actually it is known to be a very common coping mechanism: Staying so busy that you don’t let anything bad catch up with you.

For me ‘busy’ is actually a bit of a stretch, cause a big part of my time (more than most others’) is spent sleeping and that counts majorly as part of my strategy – both mind and body are busy when sleeping.

Busy can be watching youtube videos too.  Cleaning up and planning stuff (and writing it out) are also important parts of keeping myself busy.

It’s when I stop and think – when I’m out of videos to watch, when I let the quietness sink in over me or a sad sing fill my mind – that I start feeling sad or depressed. Stressed even. But the most common feeling right now is sadness. Lack of anything positive, lack of want – lack of energy. It leaves me feeling sad inside, a feeling that I’m not comfortable with most of the time.

But there’s worse than sad. My worst feeling is fear. Being scared.

A happy, uplifting song doesn’t help me feel less scared. Cleaning doesn’t put the scary feelings away even if I make an effort. Once I feel scared there’s not much else for me to do than to wait till it passes naturally.

Then I need to get busy. While feeling scared my beed is the best way to keep busy. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes just hiding.

 

Redecorating

Lately a lot of things have filled my mind and my life – but one of the more visible changes have been redecorating my room. It’s still in progress as one of the major things was removing a giant bookcase that was filled with my stuff and replacing with much smaller furniture – so right now I’ve got boxes with stuff that I don’t know where to put.

It’s a great chance for me to get rid of stuff that I don’t need or use. I love the more minimalistic look and so far I’m really pleased with it.

Moodboard for the change:Moodboard room 1.jpg

Temporary fix

The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.

It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.

While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.

I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.

The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.

It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.