rambling

Exposed (part one maybe?)

How private are you guys?

I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.

I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.

I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.

When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.

It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.

Stupid doctor!

Or dentist I should say. Refusing to give me antibiotics when my would after the surgery is clearly infected (from what I’ve told the other 3 people I’ve spoken to and what they’ve told me to look out for!).

I was told to call if certain stuff happened – and it did, so I called. And I was made to talk to a Swedish dentist that I barely understood. He did not understand how much pain I am in these days. Of course I am doing better than right after the surgery, and less swollen than it was then, but it’s much worse than it’s supposed to be, and way worse than the first time. And all the things the first dentist told me to look for has happened. Except one fact.. it hasn’t swelled up more since. But honestly, I think if I was 15 kilos lighter it would be showing – cause I can feel it in my cheek, just barely see it being much swollen.

I feel like I’m rambling and I just wanna say that he’s not understanding what I was trying to tell him, and maybe the pills are making me think and speak less clear than I want to, and maybe it’s all gonna be fine. But I’m sick and tired of hurting and I just want it to stop. Give me the medicine!!

(Gonna call again tomorrow and hopefully talk to a nice person again who will understand.)

(Dealing with anxiety and being misunderstood like this over the phone is terrible. Already dreading making the next call.)