For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.
I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.
I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up
I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.
No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!
Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.