social

Luck – not today!

For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.

I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.

I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety  that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up

I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.

I just…

No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!

 

Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind. 

Nerves concerning this weekend

I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.

It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.

And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.

The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.

At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.

I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.

Letting the internet devour me

One of those days where acting like a proper grown up is just too much. Actually I should say a few of those days. Cause I’ve had more than once this week.

I’ve pretty much cancelled everything that I’d planned to do this week in favour for staying home alone with my computer. It has become a pattern to me.
I’m binge watching Friends. I’m constantly checking facebook and instagram. I’m checking the news and the sports section. I’m going through all my youtube subscriptions. I’m wasting time. I am hiding.

There’s nothing new in that. In fact, it’s a bit too well-known for me. But it’s okay. I’m letting myself feel okay about it.

I have reasons. Yes I do. I need to remind myself of that. I’m not weak for staying home. I’m taking a look at what I need and what I’m capable of in that moment and I’m acting on it.

Later I will be stronger and I’ll go through with my plans, but this week it’s okay to stay home. I’ll be stronger soon. That’s the hope anyway.

Presentation with anxiety – did it!

I made it through! I did my presentation. I was nervous and I felt like a mess. But I did it!

I pretty much had the whole day free before going – but after not getting any sleep between Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Like.. A lot. And the time I were awake I just felt my nerves going higher and higher. So I went back to bed again and had a nap before having to get ready to go.

I had cake for dinner. Not a great idea for someone who’s trying to lose a lot of weight – but because I napped I didn’t have time to make my dinner, so it was my only option really. And then I left.
At this point I was fairly nervous. A lot. And didn’t want to leave. But I did. I had spoken to both my sister, mum and bestie that day and they all believed in me, and bestie reminded me how much I like being with these people once I get past the first, hardest part.

So I went outside. And there was snow everywhere! And it was so pretty it might have been a dream. And it made me smile. Maybe one of the only times that day. And I went..

I sat there.. I small talked.. I had a glass of water and listened to other people giving their presentations about how things were going and then it was my turn. And it went as good as it could have. I hesitated a bunch of times and felt insecure about my voice and unsure if I was communicating the right things that I wanted – but I did it!

I felt nervous and my heart was beating out of my chest and my face was flushed and kinda sweaty – but I did it! I had done it! And there were only two small questions after, both which I could easily answer. And then I sat back down and was met by comforting and proud faces, telling me I’d gone a great job.

Honestly I didn’t feel like I had myself, but I’d done it and that was enough. Later came more reassuring. They thought I’d been amazing and had done everything I’d said would be hard for me. They high-fived me later and I started feeling proud of myself – cause YES! I had done it! I did it. I feared – but I conquered. And now I feel proud too.

The night turned out really good in the end, the four of us talking till way past midnight and I have gotten a bit closer to these people, or some of them, and now feel a little more secure with them. Baby steps. But steps no less.

Victory.

Terrified but still doing it!

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering mess of a body will stand up in front of 40 people. And speak. Yeah.. let’s hope so.

If you’ve been reading some of my previous posts here, you will know that I am in a constant fight with my social anxiety and depression, and that I’m trying to push myself to do stuff that I don’t feel completely comfortable with. I will certainly do that tomorrow.

I am the treasurer at the club where I sometimes go – have been for the last two years. Most of that job, job as in we’re all volunteers, is to pay the pills, keep on top of the economy and make the books for the accountant. But, the worst part of the job, is that once a year I have to stand up in front of everyone and explain the economy from the past year to them. I have to answer all their questions, and basically show them what I’ve been doing – and what we’ve done with the money the past year.
That happens tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering hands will stand up in front of everyone and try to explain why we’ve paid so many interests on our loan, why we can’t shut down the renters and why we need donations even though we have enough money. And maybe most terrifying of all, how that money is spent – and why we’ve decided to do that.

Thankfully it’s not me who has decided everything so if they attack my show, it’s not me they’re attacking, it’s the entire board. But still. I’ll be the one taking the punches.

But… I have good people behind me. Last board meeting the entire board offered to stand up in front of everyone with me if I wanted. Apparently I’d been getting better at sharing how I felt, so now they knew I was nervous about it. In the end we decided that if I seem to be loosing it one of the guys will come up and help me. I just give the signal – or he’ll come on his own if he sees that I need it.
I’m so thankful that I’ve opened up enough now that I can actually get help without having to specify what they can do for me. They just offer. And they worry.

Deep down I know that my friends.. people in general, want the best for me. But it’s really nice to actually see it sometimes too.

What I’m working on

The way my mind works, I feel like my focus is split in groups of stuff that takes up lots of space in my mind:

  • Getting more exercise
  • Eating healthier (and the right amount)
  • To be more social
  • Work on my mental health
  • Fixing my teeth (surgery and stuff)

It seems I can only focus on two at the same time. Right now, and for the last month my focus has been to get more exercise and to be more social. And I’ve been doing a good job at both. That being said, every time I try to focus on one of the other groups I fail miserably. Right now I can feel my focus moving from getting exercise to my teeth. It makes sense, cause my surgery is on Friday.

I think it actually makes sense that two of these is enough to occupy my mind, but it still annoys me. Cause the world doesn’t just stand still in order for me to get my act together on all of these. It goes on! And I’m only going slow. It feels like a failure sometimes. Thankfully, at other times I’m able to focus on the victories I get instead – and those are the best times.

I guess I should just be patient with myself and allow that I can’t do it all at once. Nobody can. And then accept that I choose what I focus on for now, and then actually try to make some of those a habit so that it’ll take less energy and maybe that way I’ll be able to excel in more areas. Let’s hope so!

Thursday evening going out – battling anxiety.

Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies) 

“Hi”
“Hi”
“What are you doing?”
“Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?”
“I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.”
“You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening)
“Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly)
“Why?”
“I don’t know..”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.”  (more…)

My anxiety and depression

This is a big step.. I’ve never been particular open about my anxiety or my depression before.

Tomorrow there will be a post about how it all started – or how it all started as far as I know. I’ve recently started going to a new psychologist who is talking more about childhood and stuff and I have a feeling we might see that it’s all started before I think it has.

My symptoms are usually: Stomach aches, headaches, shivering all over, voice cracking, crying, need to be alone, need to be at home.

My anxiety and my lack of ability to handle it eventually made me quit my education and pull back from all social activities. I started having a hard time going out, even to buy groceries or to see my best friends. The only people I let myself be around was my close family, but I would keep it a secret how badly I felt and how isolated I’d become. Today they know how I feel and I’ve gotten treatment. Or I started treatment. (more…)