expectations

Does the sun bring expectation?

Here’s a thought….

In winter it is almost expected that you snuggle up under the blanket and binge movies or shows.

In summer you’re expected to go out – get tan, enjoy the weather and so on.

 

I have had many negative experiences during summertime. Or what I remember as negatives. People commenting on how pale I was. People judging me for not wearing shorts. Getting annoying comments because I wanted to watch sport events on tv (Tour de France, Football championships, the Olympics ..). Feeling uncomfortable in my bathing suit because I was overweight. Getting the weird eyebrow-twitch from people when they hear the fact that I don’t particular enjoy the ocean or the beach.

Basically summer brings a lot of things that make me feel like people are judging me. Like they’re not understanding my feelings or they simply don’t respect my opinions. I feel like those things has made me evolve negative feelings towards the season in general. As summer gets closer the expectations grow bigger too. Go out. Don’t hide at home. Lose some clothes. Lose some weight. Get some sun.

I don’t think people mean bad, but it is hard for them to understand that I don’t share the excitement that they feel.

I don’t have a huge conclusion to this. It was just a thought I’ve been having lately. The only thing that I feel is right to end this now, is the wish that I – and you reading this – will learn from it. Respect and listen to each other and don’t force our own feelings upon someone else.

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.