My life

Farewell 2017

2017 was one of my hardest years. I went through physical illness as well as battling mental illness. I’ve taken so many painkillers it’s not funny at all – and my biggest wish for 2018 is to need less of those.

This post is my way of looking back; Remembering, dealing, saying goodbye. It might not be worth it for anyone else, in that case, it’s just for me.

It’s not fun for me to look back at 2017. I went into the year with great energy from having lost 12 kgs – almost half the weight I was supposed to lose in total, and I was on a roll and ready to continue. It felt so doable and it felt like something I could conquer!

It didn’t even last a week. I got sick with stomach problems and the next 10 days were terrible. Stomach aches, throwing up and barely getting any sleep were some of the stuff I battled those ten days – but I was happy when the ‘bug’ finally went away and I was able to regain my energy again.

Then came the middle of march. And it started again. And it lasted almost two weeks, then, on a day where I had requested homemade pizza for dinner at my parents house with my entire family, a quick visit to the doctor turned into a hospital stay – and me on a ‘no food’ regulation, until they decided if I was going into surgery that night or not. That evening I could barely talk or think about anything but food. During a short nap in the hospital bed I even dreamed of swimming in lasagna and cream sauce.

12 days. That’s how long it took before I was released from the hospital again. It had taken a while – and a lot of pain – but they had actually found the reason for my illness and had given me enough morphine to take the pain away, until my body fought the inflammation in my pancreas. That was the diagnosis: Pancreatitis caused by gallstones.

I left, completely worn out but happy to finally put a name on what had been wrong with my body – and most likely also the reason for my ‘attacks’, like I had in January. But my body had suffered and my energy levels were low for a very long time, moths after even. Weightloss became impossible.

Along with fighting the low energy and gaining my normal body functions back, I fought my mental health. The physical pain hadn’t made my depression and anxiety disappear. It sort of felt like they had been put on hold? Does that make even make sense? I don’t know. But I know, that it felt so much harder to battle it after the hospital stay.

My energy was low and my depression was strong.

My family and few friends were the only thing that kept me going for a long time. Exercise didn’t happen at all – it was too hard to leave the house, and even when I managed, my energy didn’t reach very far at all. Something that used to be easy, like going grocery shopping to the nearest store, became exhausting. Everything was hard. It became a battle.

It’s hard living like that. Expecting one thing from yourself and the results being something else. I kept going like that through summer and fall mostly. I don’t know how life went by like that. Sitting here I remember my family holiday during summer and one during fall – everything else is blurry. Did I even live? Really live? If i’m being honest, I think I just existed. Took the pills I was prescribed. Participated in a study that might help depression, but didn’t help me. I went to see my family sometimes, but nothing major happened.

Major… hah. Well. Except I became ‘major’. No. It’s not funny. I ate like crap most of the days. Candy was easy to buy and way easier than to cook something healthy. Accessible. My weight went up. In december I reached 98 kgs again. Now just 5 kgs away from my starting weight. So much work has gone out the window.

It makes me sad. Makes me want to give up – throw in the towel. Except, I’m not allowed. I need to be down to 78 by the time my teeth have been moved enough to do my jaw-surgery. I haven’t mentioned that yet, but my teeth have been reason for a lot of pain this year too.

I got two wisdom teeth surgically removed in January, and three other teeth pulled out in October/november. All that hurts. I got braces, that a whole new battle – keeping them clean, having sore teeth, wires poking me. It’s not fun. But; it’s part of a journey that is leading to something great.

That’s how 2018 starts, I hope. As part of my ‘something great’. I even see signs of it already; 1) I might actually be on some medication that seems to work (finally), 2) I’ve been doing group therapy – which, I believe, will be a great tool for me to get better, 3) The braces doesn’t hurt as much now that they’re on – even when they get tightened it’s not as bad as I had expected – and I can actually see my teeth have moved so it’s going the right way!

It’s on it’s way. My ‘something great’. And I’m ready for it!

 

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The hardship of anxiety on everyday basis (and venting!)

When you don’t feel like seeing any people at all – how are you gonna function then, when you have a roommate and she has her boyfriend over all the time? Suddenly things like going to the bathroom, cooking or even just going to get a drink becomes work and something you postpone and try to avoid.

I wrote “you” in the text above, but really it should be an “I”. Cause living with a roommate and especially her boyfriend has been, and is still, hard for me.

It is of the very real and tough parts of dealing with social anxiety and depression that isn’t something I can just avoid.

Honestly, this blogpost is partly to show a side of how it is to live with anxiety and depression for me, but maybe mostly it’s my need to vent about this to someone, without being held accountable too much, cause at this point I don’t want to do anything. Roommate is moving out soon and what happens after that, I’ll just deal with as we go.

Venting goes on.. Her boyfriend is over way too much. It really feels as if I live with both of them. I try avoiding them, cause I really can’t deal with it. It bothers me that he is around all the time. It bothers me that he seems so comfortable here, walking around in his boxers, cooking in the kitchen while she watches tv in her room – and most of all, that he is here when she isn’t!

I don’t trust him. I don’t know him. Don’t even know her, we’re “just” roomies, not friends. But she’s signed a contract. Pays to live here. I don’t know. I trust her like that. But not him. If he wanted he could go in my room while I was gone and steal. He could come in while I am asleep and do stuff. Or steal my rent money when it’s waiting to be picked up by the lady from upstairs. He could do all that – and then just leave and not return. I doubt that he will. Honestly, he seems fine and all but still.

He takes up so much time in the kitchen, spends hours cooking, either alone or with my roommate. And then leaves it at complete mess.

And they spend hours in the bathroom – sometimes they both shower twice a day – and seriously, when you’re living with someone don’t take an hour in the bathroom between 9 and 11 pm!! Most likely it’s also around that time that the other person (in this case me) will want to go in and brush their teeth and stuff like that before bed. It’s beyond annoying. And also don’t use my towel after I’ve told you not to.

Maybe also remember to clean the counter after cooking. And the stove and oven. And swipe the floor after showering.

… Can anyone tell that I’m not particularly sad about this girl (and boyfriend) moving out?

Sorry guys and girls. I guess I needed to vent more than I realised, I’ll try to leave my frustrations on the doormat now and move on. 

When lyrics express your thoughts better than you ever could yourself

It is often hard to express my own feelings – and then once in a while I am almost overwhelmed with how well another person has already done it. Sia created this song around 15 years ago now, and I am sure I am not alone in feeling like she’s read my mind before the thoughts even existed.

“Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

(Lyrics from Breathe Me by Sia)

A Great Big World – Music rec

A Great Big World – what a confusing band name, but I have to admit that I love it quite a lot.

I wanna love and be the one who is loved
No, I won’t stop dreaming
‘Cause this isn’t over
It’s never over

– Lyric from “Won’t Stop Running” by A Great Big World

I’ve been listening to some songs of theirs for a while now, and they never fail to make me feel something. The lead singer’s voice can be both tender and direct in a way that makes me listen really carefully. It’s soft but still has an edge. And the music just… I love it. They have written songs with purpose. That’s something I like listening to.

The way his voice harmonises with Aguilera’s on “Say Something” gives me chills every time I hear it. “Already Home” makes me feel loved and hopeful and “Won’t Stop Running” gives me courage and optimism, and even a bit of stubbornness that nothing will ever make me stop running!

 

This isn’t usually what I write around here, but I wanted to share this. No regrets 🙂

In the Fitbit club!

I bought it! I splurged and bought the FitBit Charge 2 and in the rosegold/lavender coloured version.

I am very excited about this. And kind of nervous about it too. Will it help me in any way? At all? Will I hate wearing it around my wrist? Will I find it motivating to see the numbers?

I hope it works out in my favour. In any case I just finished setting it up and now did my first 250 steps while wearing it. Exciting. No matter how it works out I believe I can say we’re off to a good start.

Bad mood

It is one of those days.. Im in a bad mood. Look at me the wrong way and I will bite your head off. 

Every small thing annoys me terribly and I’m negative towards everything. 

What do you do then? I mean.. What do you do when that happens? 
Here’s my ideas/options:

  1. Crawl into bed and stay there forever and accept that today is bad.
  2. Go to the gym even though I’m not comfortable there yet – but maybe today is good for that cause it can’t get any worse – and get anger out on the machines.
  3. Force myself to look at things with a brighter mind and hope that the forced attitude will become reality. 

Does the sun bring expectation?

Here’s a thought….

In winter it is almost expected that you snuggle up under the blanket and binge movies or shows.

In summer you’re expected to go out – get tan, enjoy the weather and so on.

 

I have had many negative experiences during summertime. Or what I remember as negatives. People commenting on how pale I was. People judging me for not wearing shorts. Getting annoying comments because I wanted to watch sport events on tv (Tour de France, Football championships, the Olympics ..). Feeling uncomfortable in my bathing suit because I was overweight. Getting the weird eyebrow-twitch from people when they hear the fact that I don’t particular enjoy the ocean or the beach.

Basically summer brings a lot of things that make me feel like people are judging me. Like they’re not understanding my feelings or they simply don’t respect my opinions. I feel like those things has made me evolve negative feelings towards the season in general. As summer gets closer the expectations grow bigger too. Go out. Don’t hide at home. Lose some clothes. Lose some weight. Get some sun.

I don’t think people mean bad, but it is hard for them to understand that I don’t share the excitement that they feel.

I don’t have a huge conclusion to this. It was just a thought I’ve been having lately. The only thing that I feel is right to end this now, is the wish that I – and you reading this – will learn from it. Respect and listen to each other and don’t force our own feelings upon someone else.

Motivation for weight loss

2017-05-31 02.43.07.jpg

Basically it’s just a list – but how motivating is this?!

It’s childish and not as artsy as some of the other weight trackers I’ve seen – but the coloured side is amazing! And it’s just up to me to lose weight and that way expand the colours. An extra added motivational factor is the text by 85 kgs, – it says “Hairdresser” in Danish, which of course means that I can get a haircut with I reached the 85 kgs.

Here’s to hoping for progress!

Journey towards a better health!

“That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.”

In some of my previous posts I’ve mentioned my weight loss journey – it’s still going on.

The point of my journey is not to become totally fit or buff and show off a ton of muscles. It’s much more down to earth. Much more simple.

I want to be healthy.

Since I’ve started I’ve become healthier and that’s going in the right direction. Sadly, I’ve been challenged a lot in 2017 with different things so far and it has affected my ability to focus on my lifestyle. I have become more lazy with my food and I have not had the extra energy to do the exercise I wish I did.

These last few weeks I wont even say that I’ve lived healthier than I did a year ago, but the thing is – the great thing – is that it’s not the norm anymore. These last few weeks have been abnormal compared to how I live now. Burgers and fries aren’t a part of a usual week for me anymore! That’s a victory!

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve put this perspective on myself and how I live – and it just might be the way to get me back on track. I slipped up. I did. But the only terrible thing about that would be if that slip up kept me away from going back on track. Cause I was on the way towards something really good!

Healthy might not be right around the corner, but I’m so much closer than I was a year ago and that’s amazing. It’s not always about how far you’ve got to go, but how far you’ve already come. How far I have come.

That is what is going to get me back to the gym. It is not the dream that some day I might be buff or all skinny – it is the smile on my face from the pride that I take from it. From the fact that I, the fat loner girl, can take a step towards even better things, just from going to the gym once more.

 

Being scared

It’s funny actually. I was writing a post where I mentioned that I hate feeling scared. And then I remembered something I watched today on an episode of Grey’s anatomy. A little girl had a very interesting line. That when she felt scared, she wasn’t supposed to hide under the covers of her bed – she had to turn on the lights to make scary go away.

In general it means not just to try to deal with the scary stuff – but find a way to make the scary thing go away. Not accept it – but find a way to change it. Afraid of the dark – you turn on the light. Afraid of being alone – you find someone to be with.

It can sound like an easy fix, and in some cases an unhealthy way to deal with things, cause if you always keep the light on, you will never actually adjust to darkness. If you’re scared of being alone and always hang out with someone you will never learn how to deal with being alone. But it’s not what the quote means, it just means that you should do something about the situation and not just sit back in acceptance.

I better learn from what I just wrote… not just hide. Not just keep busy, but find a way to get the scary feeling to go away. Well. Easier said than done, but knowing is a good place to start.