Thoughts

Soft music playlist

Maybe this is more for myself than for anyone else. It might be. Or it just might be something that someone else can use for themselves. But I was in a weird mood tonight, and for some reason I opened Spotify and pressed the first playlist I found… and I found just what I needed. Soft music and tones that fit my mood, that let my mind wander and at the same time made me stick with myself and not drift off too far.

Since I got lucky I wanted to share, and I wanted to save it for future reference for myself.

  1. Colbie Caillath – Try
  2. Alex & Sierra – Little Do You Know
  3. Rachel Platten – Better Place
  4. Labrinth – Jealous
  5. John Legend – You and I (Nobody in the World)

 

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Nerves concerning this weekend

I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.

It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.

And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.

The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.

At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.

I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.

Heavy anxiety today

It’s too much.

It’s a pit in my stomach.
It’s the tears in my eyes.
It’s the way my breath only barely reaches my chest.
It’s the slight shiver of my hands.

It’s the way I can’t see past myself.
It’s the dizziness I feel when thinking about getting up.
It’s the longing to hide.
It’s the doubt I feel inside.

It’s how every sound scares me.
It’s how I wish the world was gone.
It’s how I wish that I was gone.

It’s not enough.

 

 

Are the pills affecting my mind?

Anyone else ever felt like painkillers were making you drowsy, unable to think properly, make you forget stuff?

Actually I am not sure if it’s the painkillers or the pain itself. I’ve felt like this both in January after my first surgery and now after my second one too.

It is like the pain takes a big chunk of my brain and dedicates that part to pain. And what’s left to think and work for the rest of me is not enough to function like I usually do.
It is a very strange feeling for me. I am not feeling like myself, I keep forgetting stuff I normally wouldn’t, and I am not thinking the way I usually would. It’s just a swarm of stuff going on inside me.
On the upside, it also makes me worry less about stuff I normally would worry a lot about. I simply cant’ fit it all into my mind. That’s how it feels anyway.

Maybe I should just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
(Got an appointment with the hospital tomorrow so hopefully they can help me get well faster)

Downward spiral – mental health

I’m not exactly sure how to start this post. But I want to share a bit about how my anxiety and depression function together, or how both started and developed together.

When thinking back, it’s pretty clear it all started with anxiety, social anxiety. I’ve always been shy and happy being home, but this took it to new heights. It started slowly.  (more…)

Anxiety, depression, weight loss and compartmentalizing. 

People who’s been reading my blog might have seen that when I write about my ongoing weight loss journey I don’t mention my mental health. And when I write about anxiety and depression I don’t mention weight loss. The reason for that, or one of them, is that they are very different things and when I think about each thing they don’t inflict each other. (more…)

About this weekend..

I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.

(more…)

Nervous about upcoming weekend

This weekend I’m going to a vacation house with 5 friends (new friends. We don’t know each other that well yet) . I’m so excited and have been looking forward to it for a month – but at the same time I’ve got a very bad stomach ache thinking about the trip.

How will I handle not having my own room? Being with people constantly for 48 hours. Keeping a good mood so they’ll like me. Stop my bad thoughts from taking over. Keeping my energy levels up. Getting sleep during the night in a new place – and with someone asleep next to me. Be open enough so we will get to know each other more – but not spill my every little secret. What if my anxiety takes over? What if I get too anxious about leaving and wanna cancel the whole thing?

Thoughts like those are filling my mind right now. But I try keeping them away and occupying myself with other stuff. I will be prepared when it becomes time to leave. I am prepared so thinking about it further won’t calm me down, it’ll just upset me more.

Luckily it’s time for bed. Hopefully I will get some sleep.