Anyone else ever felt like painkillers were making you drowsy, unable to think properly, make you forget stuff?
Actually I am not sure if it’s the painkillers or the pain itself. I’ve felt like this both in January after my first surgery and now after my second one too.
It is like the pain takes a big chunk of my brain and dedicates that part to pain. And what’s left to think and work for the rest of me is not enough to function like I usually do.
It is a very strange feeling for me. I am not feeling like myself, I keep forgetting stuff I normally wouldn’t, and I am not thinking the way I usually would. It’s just a swarm of stuff going on inside me.
On the upside, it also makes me worry less about stuff I normally would worry a lot about. I simply cant’ fit it all into my mind. That’s how it feels anyway.
Maybe I should just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
(Got an appointment with the hospital tomorrow so hopefully they can help me get well faster)
A few hours ago, or even less, I sat here. Happy. Proud of myself for having just gone to the gym again(!), and I was looking forward to tomorrow, cause I’ll be going home to my parents.
But now, so little time later, I’m still sitting here and I feel bad. The simple task of having to take a shower is overpowering me. The thought that my roomie is having people over tonight so it’ll be loud around me makes me upset. Seeing my family tomorrow suddenly is a chore instead. And the fact that I was just happy seems so far away. I feel like I’ve been sad forever.
I want to go hide in my bed and just ignore the world. Ignore that I should be showering and packing, ignore the stack of dishes and maybe most of all, just ignore time and the expectations the world has for me. What is makes me expect of myself.
I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.
This weekend I’m going to a vacation house with 5 friends (new friends. We don’t know each other that well yet) . I’m so excited and have been looking forward to it for a month – but at the same time I’ve got a very bad stomach ache thinking about the trip.
How will I handle not having my own room? Being with people constantly for 48 hours. Keeping a good mood so they’ll like me. Stop my bad thoughts from taking over. Keeping my energy levels up. Getting sleep during the night in a new place – and with someone asleep next to me. Be open enough so we will get to know each other more – but not spill my every little secret. What if my anxiety takes over? What if I get too anxious about leaving and wanna cancel the whole thing?
Thoughts like those are filling my mind right now. But I try keeping them away and occupying myself with other stuff. I will be prepared when it becomes time to leave. I am prepared so thinking about it further won’t calm me down, it’ll just upset me more.
Luckily it’s time for bed. Hopefully I will get some sleep.