I’m most likely not the only one with this idea – actually it is known to be a very common coping mechanism: Staying so busy that you don’t let anything bad catch up with you.
For me ‘busy’ is actually a bit of a stretch, cause a big part of my time (more than most others’) is spent sleeping and that counts majorly as part of my strategy – both mind and body are busy when sleeping.
Busy can be watching youtube videos too. Cleaning up and planning stuff (and writing it out) are also important parts of keeping myself busy.
It’s when I stop and think – when I’m out of videos to watch, when I let the quietness sink in over me or a sad sing fill my mind – that I start feeling sad or depressed. Stressed even. But the most common feeling right now is sadness. Lack of anything positive, lack of want – lack of energy. It leaves me feeling sad inside, a feeling that I’m not comfortable with most of the time.
But there’s worse than sad. My worst feeling is fear. Being scared.
A happy, uplifting song doesn’t help me feel less scared. Cleaning doesn’t put the scary feelings away even if I make an effort. Once I feel scared there’s not much else for me to do than to wait till it passes naturally.
Then I need to get busy. While feeling scared my beed is the best way to keep busy. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes just hiding.
Sometimes you come over a song, a poem or an article. Anything that makes you stop and think, you relate. You believe this person can see right into your soul and has written this about you. Or maybe instead you feel like this person has taken your thoughts and put them into words that you could not form yourself.
A few hours ago, or even less, I sat here. Happy. Proud of myself for having just gone to the gym again(!), and I was looking forward to tomorrow, cause I’ll be going home to my parents.
But now, so little time later, I’m still sitting here and I feel bad. The simple task of having to take a shower is overpowering me. The thought that my roomie is having people over tonight so it’ll be loud around me makes me upset. Seeing my family tomorrow suddenly is a chore instead. And the fact that I was just happy seems so far away. I feel like I’ve been sad forever.
I want to go hide in my bed and just ignore the world. Ignore that I should be showering and packing, ignore the stack of dishes and maybe most of all, just ignore time and the expectations the world has for me. What is makes me expect of myself.