nervous

Important appointment

Psych-ward. Is that what they called it? Tomorrow I have an appointment at the psychological hospital, the department for anxiety and depression.

Me being me, I sit at home, nervous about it. And I do what I always do when I’m nervous: I keep myself awake instead of going to sleep at night.

The thought is that if I sleep the time will pass faster and suddenly it will be time for the scary thing, by keeping awake the time passes slowly and I get mor time to prepare (or in reality – more time to get even more nervous). It’s not a good way to deal – but it’s how my body reacts. Even if my mind tells me that it’s not a good plan at all and that there aren’t actually any good things about the strategy at all.

I don’t know what I am scared of about the appointment tomorrow. Not really. I mean, part of it is that it’s a place that I’ve never been before. Part is the transportation. But mostly I think it is the talk part. Will I be able to convey my feelings and thoughts? Will they be able to understand? Will they offer a treatment that I like? Will they want to do things that scare me?

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen after the first appointment. It’s only a talk where they get to know me and then decide where to go from there – but I have no idea where we would go. Therapy? Maybe. I don’t even know the possibilities.

What is keeping me relatively calm and motivated to go is the fact that it is a step towards getting better. Feeling better. Going away from being sick. It’s the goal. It’s a step and hopefully a step in the right decision, even if it is very hard to put on my shoes and start walking.

Advertisements

Feelings fighting knowledge

So.. no idea how to start this really. I might not even know what the conclusion for this will be.

It starts with how tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital to talk about my future teeth-surgery-plan. I’ve been there several times, at least 3 times this year alone. And it is just a conversation. No doctors touching me or taking tests or anything that might hurt or otherwise do anything to me. Just talking. But I can still feel something building in my stomach. A feeling. An uncomfortable knot starting to take form.

In my mind I know everything will be fine. I’ve taken the buss I’m going to take several times. I have it all before. And yet, my stomach is fighting my mind. My feelings are fighting my knowledge.

I feel nervous. I can sense that I will continue to feel more nervous as we grow closer to the appointment. I feel like I will have trouble falling asleep, I wont even want to go to bed cause I know that in bed I will feel even more nervous. At least while awake I can distract myself a bit. I’m already nervous and I can only see it getting worse.

Except. I’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I know that. I really know that. Except it doesn’t feel like I do.

What do I do? My normal nerves are worsened by my anxiety, and that makes it even harder to trust my brain. I hope I get through this, cancelling would be terrible.

Presentation with anxiety – did it!

I made it through! I did my presentation. I was nervous and I felt like a mess. But I did it!

I pretty much had the whole day free before going – but after not getting any sleep between Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Like.. A lot. And the time I were awake I just felt my nerves going higher and higher. So I went back to bed again and had a nap before having to get ready to go.

I had cake for dinner. Not a great idea for someone who’s trying to lose a lot of weight – but because I napped I didn’t have time to make my dinner, so it was my only option really. And then I left.
At this point I was fairly nervous. A lot. And didn’t want to leave. But I did. I had spoken to both my sister, mum and bestie that day and they all believed in me, and bestie reminded me how much I like being with these people once I get past the first, hardest part.

So I went outside. And there was snow everywhere! And it was so pretty it might have been a dream. And it made me smile. Maybe one of the only times that day. And I went..

I sat there.. I small talked.. I had a glass of water and listened to other people giving their presentations about how things were going and then it was my turn. And it went as good as it could have. I hesitated a bunch of times and felt insecure about my voice and unsure if I was communicating the right things that I wanted – but I did it!

I felt nervous and my heart was beating out of my chest and my face was flushed and kinda sweaty – but I did it! I had done it! And there were only two small questions after, both which I could easily answer. And then I sat back down and was met by comforting and proud faces, telling me I’d gone a great job.

Honestly I didn’t feel like I had myself, but I’d done it and that was enough. Later came more reassuring. They thought I’d been amazing and had done everything I’d said would be hard for me. They high-fived me later and I started feeling proud of myself – cause YES! I had done it! I did it. I feared – but I conquered. And now I feel proud too.

The night turned out really good in the end, the four of us talking till way past midnight and I have gotten a bit closer to these people, or some of them, and now feel a little more secure with them. Baby steps. But steps no less.

Victory.

Terrified but still doing it!

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering mess of a body will stand up in front of 40 people. And speak. Yeah.. let’s hope so.

If you’ve been reading some of my previous posts here, you will know that I am in a constant fight with my social anxiety and depression, and that I’m trying to push myself to do stuff that I don’t feel completely comfortable with. I will certainly do that tomorrow.

I am the treasurer at the club where I sometimes go – have been for the last two years. Most of that job, job as in we’re all volunteers, is to pay the pills, keep on top of the economy and make the books for the accountant. But, the worst part of the job, is that once a year I have to stand up in front of everyone and explain the economy from the past year to them. I have to answer all their questions, and basically show them what I’ve been doing – and what we’ve done with the money the past year.
That happens tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering hands will stand up in front of everyone and try to explain why we’ve paid so many interests on our loan, why we can’t shut down the renters and why we need donations even though we have enough money. And maybe most terrifying of all, how that money is spent – and why we’ve decided to do that.

Thankfully it’s not me who has decided everything so if they attack my show, it’s not me they’re attacking, it’s the entire board. But still. I’ll be the one taking the punches.

But… I have good people behind me. Last board meeting the entire board offered to stand up in front of everyone with me if I wanted. Apparently I’d been getting better at sharing how I felt, so now they knew I was nervous about it. In the end we decided that if I seem to be loosing it one of the guys will come up and help me. I just give the signal – or he’ll come on his own if he sees that I need it.
I’m so thankful that I’ve opened up enough now that I can actually get help without having to specify what they can do for me. They just offer. And they worry.

Deep down I know that my friends.. people in general, want the best for me. But it’s really nice to actually see it sometimes too.

Surgery on Friday

I’m nervous. There. I said it. I admitted it to myself.

I’ve gone through it before, and it is truly not a big surgery at all. They’re operating my last wisdom tooth out. In January I had my first surgery and one taken out, so I’ve been through it all before. Sadly, that is what is making me nervous.

I know how much it hurts afterwards. I know how swollen it gets and how the pain affects me.
I’m nervous about that. How it’ll work into my every day life this time. I can’t go to the gym the first few weeks after, I’m not allowed at first but the most important reason is simply that it hurts too much. It hurt every time I walked the first week, so I’ll most likely be staying home for a good amount of time, it makes me nervous that I might feel both in pain and depressed about the situation.

At least I’m prepared for it. Maybe I’ll ask people to come here, or I’ll have planned stuff that will be able to keep me entertained. I’ll work it out. Just felt the need to say it. I’m nervous.