So.. no idea how to start this really. I might not even know what the conclusion for this will be.
It starts with how tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital to talk about my future teeth-surgery-plan. I’ve been there several times, at least 3 times this year alone. And it is just a conversation. No doctors touching me or taking tests or anything that might hurt or otherwise do anything to me. Just talking. But I can still feel something building in my stomach. A feeling. An uncomfortable knot starting to take form.
In my mind I know everything will be fine. I’ve taken the buss I’m going to take several times. I have it all before. And yet, my stomach is fighting my mind. My feelings are fighting my knowledge.
I feel nervous. I can sense that I will continue to feel more nervous as we grow closer to the appointment. I feel like I will have trouble falling asleep, I wont even want to go to bed cause I know that in bed I will feel even more nervous. At least while awake I can distract myself a bit. I’m already nervous and I can only see it getting worse.
Except. I’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I know that. I really know that. Except it doesn’t feel like I do.
What do I do? My normal nerves are worsened by my anxiety, and that makes it even harder to trust my brain. I hope I get through this, cancelling would be terrible.
For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.
I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.
I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up
I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.
No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!
Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.
I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.
It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.
And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.
The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.
At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.
I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.
I’m nervous. There. I said it. I admitted it to myself.
I’ve gone through it before, and it is truly not a big surgery at all. They’re operating my last wisdom tooth out. In January I had my first surgery and one taken out, so I’ve been through it all before. Sadly, that is what is making me nervous.
I know how much it hurts afterwards. I know how swollen it gets and how the pain affects me.
I’m nervous about that. How it’ll work into my every day life this time. I can’t go to the gym the first few weeks after, I’m not allowed at first but the most important reason is simply that it hurts too much. It hurt every time I walked the first week, so I’ll most likely be staying home for a good amount of time, it makes me nervous that I might feel both in pain and depressed about the situation.
At least I’m prepared for it. Maybe I’ll ask people to come here, or I’ll have planned stuff that will be able to keep me entertained. I’ll work it out. Just felt the need to say it. I’m nervous.
I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.
This weekend I’m going to a vacation house with 5 friends (new friends. We don’t know each other that well yet) . I’m so excited and have been looking forward to it for a month – but at the same time I’ve got a very bad stomach ache thinking about the trip.
How will I handle not having my own room? Being with people constantly for 48 hours. Keeping a good mood so they’ll like me. Stop my bad thoughts from taking over. Keeping my energy levels up. Getting sleep during the night in a new place – and with someone asleep next to me. Be open enough so we will get to know each other more – but not spill my every little secret. What if my anxiety takes over? What if I get too anxious about leaving and wanna cancel the whole thing?
Thoughts like those are filling my mind right now. But I try keeping them away and occupying myself with other stuff. I will be prepared when it becomes time to leave. I am prepared so thinking about it further won’t calm me down, it’ll just upset me more.
Luckily it’s time for bed. Hopefully I will get some sleep.