mental illness

Important appointment

Psych-ward. Is that what they called it? Tomorrow I have an appointment at the psychological hospital, the department for anxiety and depression.

Me being me, I sit at home, nervous about it. And I do what I always do when I’m nervous: I keep myself awake instead of going to sleep at night.

The thought is that if I sleep the time will pass faster and suddenly it will be time for the scary thing, by keeping awake the time passes slowly and I get mor time to prepare (or in reality – more time to get even more nervous). It’s not a good way to deal – but it’s how my body reacts. Even if my mind tells me that it’s not a good plan at all and that there aren’t actually any good things about the strategy at all.

I don’t know what I am scared of about the appointment tomorrow. Not really. I mean, part of it is that it’s a place that I’ve never been before. Part is the transportation. But mostly I think it is the talk part. Will I be able to convey my feelings and thoughts? Will they be able to understand? Will they offer a treatment that I like? Will they want to do things that scare me?

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen after the first appointment. It’s only a talk where they get to know me and then decide where to go from there – but I have no idea where we would go. Therapy? Maybe. I don’t even know the possibilities.

What is keeping me relatively calm and motivated to go is the fact that it is a step towards getting better. Feeling better. Going away from being sick. It’s the goal. It’s a step and hopefully a step in the right decision, even if it is very hard to put on my shoes and start walking.

Mood down

Mood down today. Call help.

What if you could call an order like that. Like on a plane, the pilot calling the tower, “left tank down, tell me how to fix it” – and then they give you the exact instructions on what to do in order to solve the problem and get back to normal again or at least how to safely get through the situation.

I’d like to be able to do that. “Mood low, send solution now”, “Energy levels not good, what to do?” or even,  “Things are going downhill, in need of uplift”. And then receive instructions right away on how to deal with the sitation.

Things would be a lot easier then.

Feeling closer to new friends

As some of you might have read in my earlier posts Nervous about upcoming weekend and About this weekend.. I had a special weekend planned and now, since it’s over I’ll let you all know how it went – how I conquered it.

(more…)