luck

My return is now!

I am so happy to say that as of now, I should be back to my regular life again.
Which means, I will be blogging again!

I stayed eleven days at a hospital – and previously had a few weeks of pain where I couldn’t focus and couldn’t live normally, but now I should be back and ready to get my life back to what it was – or even better.

My energy levels are low, but have gone way up – and since I’m no longer in pain, I am finally able to see past it. I’ve never been in so much pain before, for anyone asking, gallstones leading to an infected pancreas is no joke! Honestly, it’s actually deadly for some – however, I was one of the 85% that seemingly gets through the sickness without troubles. I am so thankful for that!

Now it’s just small steps back to normal life, small steps to get my body used to not getting morphine and small steps to get my exercise levels up. Seriously.. while at the hospital, walking 200 meters was hard!

Wish me luck!

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Luck – not today!

For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.

I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.

I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety  that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up

I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.

I just…

No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!

 

Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.