life

You have value!

… and so do I.

I often forget that. Tend to bring myself a little bit down. Not on the surface, but right below that, I have lots of thoughts about putting myself down. I have trouble believing I’m good enough.

I think of myself as an ordinary person. Often that is what I am. Normal. Ordinary. But often I go beyond that. I put myself lower than that. Lower than everyone else. Give myself lower value. Grade myself harder.

I have bigger expectations towards myself than towards everyone else, and that makes me fail so much harder. But it’s not fair!
When I think about it logically it makes no sense. Why should I be held to higher standards than everyone else?
What will happen if I don’t raise my expectations towards myself that much? I don’t know. Sometimes I try, but I never really succeed. I can believe it on the outside, but inside it’s still nearly impossible to live up to what I expect from myself.

I am an ordinary person. I am normal. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not special at the same time. I have value. I should not put myself down even when I feel like I’m not good enough. Not unique enough. Not extraordinary enough. Cause I am.

My family tells me. My friends say the same. I just need to believe it myself too, even if it might take a lifetime to make myself believe it truly.

 

Advertisements

When dealing with depression and anxiety

It’s been a while coming. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for maybe 3 years – one of which I’ve known what I was up against.

I think maybe I’m getting to the spot where I do actually know a lot about what my struggle is. Not necessarily why, but I know what signs to look out for and how to protect myself.

It’s a key part to getting better, at least that’s what I believe. It’s easier to fight a known enemy, than one you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy at all though. It’s taken time for me to accept that and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even done that yet.

Acceptance is a big step. Accepting that I’m weak. I am not as strong as I thought and all the times I’ve though “that wont happen to me” – they just don’t matter anymore, cause guess what, it did happen. And now it’s time to accept it, give in and start fighting back.

Breaking down in tears

GIF_sadness.gif

I did it, I broke down in tears in the middle of our group. And I don’t care. I felt safe and loved and no one were judging me.

It was a song that triggered my feelings. It is in danish, but the main content of it – what made the tears well up is something along the lines of this:

Now you are simply allowed to be my child, not my servant.
Now, be little – not adult.
No one makes demands from you. No one judges you.
You are allowed to be weak, let go of all responsibility.
The danger is, that you’ll forget how much of a jewell you are.
That you think too much about the sorrow and need of others, instead of your own.

Now, you can listen instead of talking.
You can just receive, and not always give.
You are allowed to cry – and to share your pain.
You will be held and you will feel our peace.

I ended up curling up in my seat and felt the tears spill over.
A friend next to me laid her arm around me and hugged me. We didn’t speak. People sang, she sang. I just cried. I cried and listened.

I let the words fill my heart and my body. I tried to let go and just.. just be. Just listen. Just take what was given me.

Afterwards I felt lighter. I felt relived. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and it felt good.
As bad as it can be breaking down, the feeling after is worth it all to me.

I just hope I can hold onto this feeling for a while now. I will try to believe the good things.

It wasn’t luck. I conquered!

If you’ve read a few earlier posts from me, you will know that I struggled this weekend. I wanted to go away with people from my club, but found it extremely hard due to my depression and anxiety. Saturday morning I was 95 % sure I wasn’t going anywhere and I was upset with myself for it.

But then I kept working on it. I didn’t give up on myself or the idea of going. I started thinking about calling some of the people who had already gone, to hear what they had to say. I didn’t actually make any calls, but I imagined. They would support me, they would offer to look out for me and keep close, they would say they missed me.

It’s actually hard for me to imagine those thoughts, cause I tend to think that no one would care if I were there or not. But they would. They do care. They told me that once I got there.

Cause I did end up going! It wasn’t luck. It was hard work, but I did it. I conquered. I fought through my feelings and thoughts, my instincts and instead I went with my dream of going – and my want. My need.

I don’t know how to label what I was feeling and doing right then, but somehow, I found myself in a car, on the way – and it felt like a victory.

Luck – not today!

For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.

I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.

I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety  that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up

I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.

I just…

No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!

 

Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind. 

“We really care about you”

…or in Danish, “Vi holder jo af dig”.

One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.

He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.

I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.

But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.

“We really care about you”

It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.

Letting the internet devour me

One of those days where acting like a proper grown up is just too much. Actually I should say a few of those days. Cause I’ve had more than once this week.

I’ve pretty much cancelled everything that I’d planned to do this week in favour for staying home alone with my computer. It has become a pattern to me.
I’m binge watching Friends. I’m constantly checking facebook and instagram. I’m checking the news and the sports section. I’m going through all my youtube subscriptions. I’m wasting time. I am hiding.

There’s nothing new in that. In fact, it’s a bit too well-known for me. But it’s okay. I’m letting myself feel okay about it.

I have reasons. Yes I do. I need to remind myself of that. I’m not weak for staying home. I’m taking a look at what I need and what I’m capable of in that moment and I’m acting on it.

Later I will be stronger and I’ll go through with my plans, but this week it’s okay to stay home. I’ll be stronger soon. That’s the hope anyway.

In pain – but I’m back!

“I’m baaack!” (which voice did you hear it in in your head?)

I’ve been taking a break from my computer since Friday (Wednesday today) due to my tooth removal surgery that same day. I’ve been in so much pain it’s not at all funny. The funny thing however is that I’ve been looking like.. well, terrible. My left cheek and part of chin swollen to double size – it sort of looked like I had a golf ball inside the left part of my mouth. Just.. worse.

As I said I’ve been in a lot of pain. I still am. But at least it’s going towards a bigger cause and there’s a meaning behind the pain. Plus.. it’s a healing pain. It’s getting better now, not worse.

The swelling has gone way down, and even though I still look far from normal it’s very nice to be closer than I was during the weekend. The pain is also going down, although only a bit and very slowly. But I’m handling it.

I have been at my parents’ place since Saturday and now just got back to my own place. I’m well enough now that I can actually walk to get groceries and eat a tiny bit of food that’s not liquid. I do admit I kinda wanted to stay with my parents and brother for a bit longer, but I have stuff here I that needs me and I did also miss my own bed a little bit.

I’m hoping for a fast recovery but this is worse than the first time – and back then I was in pain for at least two weeks. It’s not looking too good. BUT – progress is key!

25 questions for me

 

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed Closed. Is a thing?

2. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A great idea for a future BulletJournal page!

3. Do you sing in the shower? Rarely. I don’t like the thought of anyone hearing me.

4. What inspires you? Seeing others being really enthusiastic and dedicated towards a case.

5. Would you bungee jump? Doubtful. Very doubtful.

6. Do you have any pets? No. Honestly not a pet person, but I do enjoy cuddling with my parents’ cat when I’m there.

7. What book are you reading? None right now. I want to start one though!

8. Last book you read? Harry Potter and The Cursed Child

9. Are you a sports fan? Yes! Barcalona football. Denmark for pretty much any other sport.

10. Last Person You Talked To On The Phone? My mum.

11. Favourite foods? Pizza! Ham, cheese, pineapple, kebab.

12. Mountain Hideaway or Beach House? Mountain Hideaway.

13. Last thing you listened to? “Can’t Stop the Feeling” – Justin Timberlake.

14. Growing up, which were you favourite cartoons? Disney ones – cartoons inspired of the movies, such as The Lion King and Aladdin.

15. What are you listening to now? “Say Something” – A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

16. Relationship Status? Single.

17. Biggest Fear? Losing my loved ones.

18. Dream destination? None in particular, I’d just love to see more of the world. Big cities in particular. But also the special places that only natives know about.

19. Are you in school? If so what are you studying? I’m not. I kinda should be though..

20. What is your favourite song at the moment? Instrumental song is: “Always With Me” by Itsumo Nando from the movie Spirited Away.

21. Favourite Movie? Pride and Prejudice.

22. Favourite color? Green. Pastel green.

23. Where do you want to be in 5 years? With with a guy. And an education/a job I like going to every day.

24. Batman or superman? I’ve watched too much Big Bang Theory to dare answering this type of question!

25. Who is your favourite villain? Generally I hate them. Always get in the way of my happy ending.