hiding

Being scared

It’s funny actually. I was writing a post where I mentioned that I hate feeling scared. And then I remembered something I watched today on an episode of Grey’s anatomy. A little girl had a very interesting line. That when she felt scared, she wasn’t supposed to hide under the covers of her bed – she had to turn on the lights to make scary go away.

In general it means not just to try to deal with the scary stuff – but find a way to make the scary thing go away. Not accept it – but find a way to change it. Afraid of the dark – you turn on the light. Afraid of being alone – you find someone to be with.

It can sound like an easy fix, and in some cases an unhealthy way to deal with things, cause if you always keep the light on, you will never actually adjust to darkness. If you’re scared of being alone and always hang out with someone you will never learn how to deal with being alone. But it’s not what the quote means, it just means that you should do something about the situation and not just sit back in acceptance.

I better learn from what I just wrote… not just hide. Not just keep busy, but find a way to get the scary feeling to go away. Well. Easier said than done, but knowing is a good place to start.

Letting the internet devour me

One of those days where acting like a proper grown up is just too much. Actually I should say a few of those days. Cause I’ve had more than once this week.

I’ve pretty much cancelled everything that I’d planned to do this week in favour for staying home alone with my computer. It has become a pattern to me.
I’m binge watching Friends. I’m constantly checking facebook and instagram. I’m checking the news and the sports section. I’m going through all my youtube subscriptions. I’m wasting time. I am hiding.

There’s nothing new in that. In fact, it’s a bit too well-known for me. But it’s okay. I’m letting myself feel okay about it.

I have reasons. Yes I do. I need to remind myself of that. I’m not weak for staying home. I’m taking a look at what I need and what I’m capable of in that moment and I’m acting on it.

Later I will be stronger and I’ll go through with my plans, but this week it’s okay to stay home. I’ll be stronger soon. That’s the hope anyway.

Heavy anxiety today

It’s too much.

It’s a pit in my stomach.
It’s the tears in my eyes.
It’s the way my breath only barely reaches my chest.
It’s the slight shiver of my hands.

It’s the way I can’t see past myself.
It’s the dizziness I feel when thinking about getting up.
It’s the longing to hide.
It’s the doubt I feel inside.

It’s how every sound scares me.
It’s how I wish the world was gone.
It’s how I wish that I was gone.

It’s not enough.

 

 

Suddenly so sad.

A few hours ago, or even less, I sat here. Happy. Proud of myself for having just gone to the gym again(!), and I was looking forward to tomorrow, cause I’ll be going home to my parents.

But now, so little time later, I’m still sitting here and I feel bad. The simple task of having to take a shower is overpowering me. The thought that my roomie is having people over tonight so it’ll be loud around me makes me upset. Seeing my family tomorrow suddenly is a chore instead. And the fact that I was just happy seems so far away. I feel like I’ve been sad forever.

I want to go hide in my bed and just ignore the world. Ignore that I should be showering and packing, ignore the stack of dishes and maybe most of all, just ignore time and the expectations the world has for me. What is makes me expect of myself.