Psych-ward. Is that what they called it? Tomorrow I have an appointment at the psychological hospital, the department for anxiety and depression.
Me being me, I sit at home, nervous about it. And I do what I always do when I’m nervous: I keep myself awake instead of going to sleep at night.
The thought is that if I sleep the time will pass faster and suddenly it will be time for the scary thing, by keeping awake the time passes slowly and I get mor time to prepare (or in reality – more time to get even more nervous). It’s not a good way to deal – but it’s how my body reacts. Even if my mind tells me that it’s not a good plan at all and that there aren’t actually any good things about the strategy at all.
I don’t know what I am scared of about the appointment tomorrow. Not really. I mean, part of it is that it’s a place that I’ve never been before. Part is the transportation. But mostly I think it is the talk part. Will I be able to convey my feelings and thoughts? Will they be able to understand? Will they offer a treatment that I like? Will they want to do things that scare me?
Honestly, I have no idea what will happen after the first appointment. It’s only a talk where they get to know me and then decide where to go from there – but I have no idea where we would go. Therapy? Maybe. I don’t even know the possibilities.
What is keeping me relatively calm and motivated to go is the fact that it is a step towards getting better. Feeling better. Going away from being sick. It’s the goal. It’s a step and hopefully a step in the right decision, even if it is very hard to put on my shoes and start walking.
What if you could call an order like that. Like on a plane, the pilot calling the tower, “left tank down, tell me how to fix it” – and then they give you the exact instructions on what to do in order to solve the problem and get back to normal again or at least how to safely get through the situation.
I’d like to be able to do that. “Mood low, send solution now”, “Energy levels not good, what to do?” or even, “Things are going downhill, in need of uplift”. And then receive instructions right away on how to deal with the sitation.
One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.
He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.
I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.
But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.
“We really care about you”
It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.
Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies)
“Hi” “Hi” “What are you doing?” “Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?” “I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.” “You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening) “Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly) “Why?”
“I don’t know..” “Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.” (more…)