For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.
I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.
I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up
I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.
No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!
Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.
One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.
He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.
I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.
But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.
“We really care about you”
It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.
I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.
This weekend I’m going to a vacation house with 5 friends (new friends. We don’t know each other that well yet) . I’m so excited and have been looking forward to it for a month – but at the same time I’ve got a very bad stomach ache thinking about the trip.
How will I handle not having my own room? Being with people constantly for 48 hours. Keeping a good mood so they’ll like me. Stop my bad thoughts from taking over. Keeping my energy levels up. Getting sleep during the night in a new place – and with someone asleep next to me. Be open enough so we will get to know each other more – but not spill my every little secret. What if my anxiety takes over? What if I get too anxious about leaving and wanna cancel the whole thing?
Thoughts like those are filling my mind right now. But I try keeping them away and occupying myself with other stuff. I will be prepared when it becomes time to leave. I am prepared so thinking about it further won’t calm me down, it’ll just upset me more.
Luckily it’s time for bed. Hopefully I will get some sleep.