focus

Stream of thought..

Staring at the dead flowers in my window.
Should have gotten rid of them by now.
On my desk is a huge stack of dishes.
Should have cleaned them.
More dishes on my table.
The mess on the floor.
My suitcase from last time I saw parents.
Trash from when I got my new pens.
Empty bottles I should deliver.

And even though all that stuff is there.
Stuff that would be so easy to just do and get over with.
I don’t think about it.
I can’t.

I’m floating around in a space in my head.
It’s mostly grey, clouded.
I can’t focus in there.
I can’t take action in there.
I’m immersed in the clouds.
Or rain.
It feels more like rain.
Hitting my face.
Wetting me and everything around me.
Making it impossible to focus on anything.

Will I get out?

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What I’m working on

The way my mind works, I feel like my focus is split in groups of stuff that takes up lots of space in my mind:

  • Getting more exercise
  • Eating healthier (and the right amount)
  • To be more social
  • Work on my mental health
  • Fixing my teeth (surgery and stuff)

It seems I can only focus on two at the same time. Right now, and for the last month my focus has been to get more exercise and to be more social. And I’ve been doing a good job at both. That being said, every time I try to focus on one of the other groups I fail miserably. Right now I can feel my focus movingΒ from getting exercise to my teeth. It makes sense, cause my surgery is on Friday.

I think it actually makes sense that two of these is enough to occupy my mind, but it still annoys me. Cause the world doesn’t just stand still in order for me to get my act together on all of these. It goes on! And I’m only going slow. It feels like a failure sometimes. Thankfully, at other times I’m able to focus on the victories I get instead – and those are the best times.

I guess I should just be patient with myself and allow that I can’t do it all at once. Nobody can. And then accept that I choose what I focus on for now, and then actually try to make some of those a habit so that it’ll take less energy and maybe that way I’ll be able to excel in more areas. Let’s hope so!