It’s funny actually. I was writing a post where I mentioned that I hate feeling scared. And then I remembered something I watched today on an episode of Grey’s anatomy. A little girl had a very interesting line. That when she felt scared, she wasn’t supposed to hide under the covers of her bed – she had to turn on the lights to make scary go away.
In general it means not just to try to deal with the scary stuff – but find a way to make the scary thing go away. Not accept it – but find a way to change it. Afraid of the dark – you turn on the light. Afraid of being alone – you find someone to be with.
It can sound like an easy fix, and in some cases an unhealthy way to deal with things, cause if you always keep the light on, you will never actually adjust to darkness. If you’re scared of being alone and always hang out with someone you will never learn how to deal with being alone. But it’s not what the quote means, it just means that you should do something about the situation and not just sit back in acceptance.
I better learn from what I just wrote… not just hide. Not just keep busy, but find a way to get the scary feeling to go away. Well. Easier said than done, but knowing is a good place to start.
I’m most likely not the only one with this idea – actually it is known to be a very common coping mechanism: Staying so busy that you don’t let anything bad catch up with you.
For me ‘busy’ is actually a bit of a stretch, cause a big part of my time (more than most others’) is spent sleeping and that counts majorly as part of my strategy – both mind and body are busy when sleeping.
Busy can be watching youtube videos too. Cleaning up and planning stuff (and writing it out) are also important parts of keeping myself busy.
It’s when I stop and think – when I’m out of videos to watch, when I let the quietness sink in over me or a sad sing fill my mind – that I start feeling sad or depressed. Stressed even. But the most common feeling right now is sadness. Lack of anything positive, lack of want – lack of energy. It leaves me feeling sad inside, a feeling that I’m not comfortable with most of the time.
But there’s worse than sad. My worst feeling is fear. Being scared.
A happy, uplifting song doesn’t help me feel less scared. Cleaning doesn’t put the scary feelings away even if I make an effort. Once I feel scared there’s not much else for me to do than to wait till it passes naturally.
Then I need to get busy. While feeling scared my beed is the best way to keep busy. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes just hiding.
Just gonna leave you with this today. The quote speaks to me lots. After a long time of hiding parts of myself, trying to make myself seem normal – now I’m focusing on trying to be who I am and allow people to see, and not just show them what I think they want to see. I’m gonna trust them, instead of constantly living in fear that they might see something they don’t like. Instead I’ll show them something, someone might just love.