failure

5 hours of shopping can tire out anyone

Even someone who likes shopping as much as I do. (Yeah I know, could I be more like a typical woman?)
If it’s not clear yet, I did go shopping today. My sister and I had some stuff to buy and we also just wanted some sister-time.

Shopping used to be hard for me with my anxiety, but I’ve gotten more used to the city now – and I’ve improved a bit. And then of course, having my sister with me helps me too. Some days it’s still hard, but it was good. It was all great in fact.
Burgers for lunch (which was actually a new café for me and it was great!), buying a birthday present for mum, exchanging a present my sister had gotten last weekend – and bra shopping and clothes shopping in general.

Yeah, it was great. Except the fact that I had hoped to go out for a meeting tonight. Actually a meeting about anxiety and religion, how to handle it together and stuff. But once I got home I was just worn out. Both mentally and physically. And all the energy it would have taken to go out tonight was gone. Really gone.

So I stayed home. Is that a failure?
On one hand it does feel like I’ve failed. But on the other hand, I had a really nice time and forgot about a lot of bad things while being out.

I can’t let myself feel bad about this. I did what I wanted to. I can’t change anything now, and even if I had the chance I wouldn’t.

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What I’m working on

The way my mind works, I feel like my focus is split in groups of stuff that takes up lots of space in my mind:

  • Getting more exercise
  • Eating healthier (and the right amount)
  • To be more social
  • Work on my mental health
  • Fixing my teeth (surgery and stuff)

It seems I can only focus on two at the same time. Right now, and for the last month my focus has been to get more exercise and to be more social. And I’ve been doing a good job at both. That being said, every time I try to focus on one of the other groups I fail miserably. Right now I can feel my focus moving from getting exercise to my teeth. It makes sense, cause my surgery is on Friday.

I think it actually makes sense that two of these is enough to occupy my mind, but it still annoys me. Cause the world doesn’t just stand still in order for me to get my act together on all of these. It goes on! And I’m only going slow. It feels like a failure sometimes. Thankfully, at other times I’m able to focus on the victories I get instead – and those are the best times.

I guess I should just be patient with myself and allow that I can’t do it all at once. Nobody can. And then accept that I choose what I focus on for now, and then actually try to make some of those a habit so that it’ll take less energy and maybe that way I’ll be able to excel in more areas. Let’s hope so!