Lately a lot of things have filled my mind and my life – but one of the more visible changes have been redecorating my room. It’s still in progress as one of the major things was removing a giant bookcase that was filled with my stuff and replacing with much smaller furniture – so right now I’ve got boxes with stuff that I don’t know where to put.
It’s a great chance for me to get rid of stuff that I don’t need or use. I love the more minimalistic look and so far I’m really pleased with it.
The best one – and the first one that comes to mind: Cleaning my room by shoving everything into the closet.
It clearly solves the situation right away, but it’s only temporary. It’s obvious that the second I open the closet I will see the mess, I feel be bothered by it when I start looking for stuff and at some point the closet will overflow and the mess will pile out.
While battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, I’ve felt some of the same things as with the closet and cleaning up.
I’ve learnt how to deal – and how to temporarily get better. I’ve found out how to shove my feelings aside and hide them, but the problem is that it is not a permanent solution. It is temporary. At some point the stuff will come out, it will overflow – pile out. I wont be able to hide my feelings forever – I wasn’t. Stuff came out and I had to deal with it all. Try at least.
The big improvement for me is still yet to come – but I’m hoping it will come soon! The important thing is that I’m working on it – working on learning how to deal with the mess and not just stuff it into the closet.
It’s still a work in progress though – and I’m still very glad that I have space in my closet to keep things from everyone else.
Psych-ward. Is that what they called it? Tomorrow I have an appointment at the psychological hospital, the department for anxiety and depression.
Me being me, I sit at home, nervous about it. And I do what I always do when I’m nervous: I keep myself awake instead of going to sleep at night.
The thought is that if I sleep the time will pass faster and suddenly it will be time for the scary thing, by keeping awake the time passes slowly and I get mor time to prepare (or in reality – more time to get even more nervous). It’s not a good way to deal – but it’s how my body reacts. Even if my mind tells me that it’s not a good plan at all and that there aren’t actually any good things about the strategy at all.
I don’t know what I am scared of about the appointment tomorrow. Not really. I mean, part of it is that it’s a place that I’ve never been before. Part is the transportation. But mostly I think it is the talk part. Will I be able to convey my feelings and thoughts? Will they be able to understand? Will they offer a treatment that I like? Will they want to do things that scare me?
Honestly, I have no idea what will happen after the first appointment. It’s only a talk where they get to know me and then decide where to go from there – but I have no idea where we would go. Therapy? Maybe. I don’t even know the possibilities.
What is keeping me relatively calm and motivated to go is the fact that it is a step towards getting better. Feeling better. Going away from being sick. It’s the goal. It’s a step and hopefully a step in the right decision, even if it is very hard to put on my shoes and start walking.
I’m a very private person – except, I guess, on this blog. I don’t open up very easily and I really need to trust people before letting them know any personal stuff.
I think it comes down to a control issue for me. I want to be in control as much as I possibly can, also when it comes to which people know what about me. And I might also have to admit that I also like to control what part of me people see – so that I can control part of what they think of me, if at all possible.
I don’t want people to see me fail. Failing is too close to being a failure. Except, it’s not! It is one example of how my brain works against my feelings. Cause I know that one fail – or even several wont make you a failure, but often, a fail will make me feel like a failure.
When people see stuff like that in me, it makes me feel exposed. Very exposed. Like they’ve been let in to see more than I’ve allowed, more than I can handle. More than I can control. That makes me uncomfortable. Being exposed.
It makes me vulnerable and fragile. And it ruins my control.
So.. no idea how to start this really. I might not even know what the conclusion for this will be.
It starts with how tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital to talk about my future teeth-surgery-plan. I’ve been there several times, at least 3 times this year alone. And it is just a conversation. No doctors touching me or taking tests or anything that might hurt or otherwise do anything to me. Just talking. But I can still feel something building in my stomach. A feeling. An uncomfortable knot starting to take form.
In my mind I know everything will be fine. I’ve taken the buss I’m going to take several times. I have it all before. And yet, my stomach is fighting my mind. My feelings are fighting my knowledge.
I feel nervous. I can sense that I will continue to feel more nervous as we grow closer to the appointment. I feel like I will have trouble falling asleep, I wont even want to go to bed cause I know that in bed I will feel even more nervous. At least while awake I can distract myself a bit. I’m already nervous and I can only see it getting worse.
Except. I’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I know that. I really know that. Except it doesn’t feel like I do.
What do I do? My normal nerves are worsened by my anxiety, and that makes it even harder to trust my brain. I hope I get through this, cancelling would be terrible.
Honestly, I really have had a nice day today. I’ve been productive and mostly in a good mood. I’ve done stuff. I’ve been outside. I went on walks. I ate real food.
Generally I’ve had a good day – and it’s been too long since that happened last time.
I picked up this flower on my way home from one of the walks and I really love taking photos of flowers. And today I felt inspired to do some editing. I’ve never edited this way before, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe in time I’ll find something worthy of being framed and put onto the wall. Maybe.
It doesn’t really matter. Today I’m just happy I’ve felt good. Already looking forward to that happening again.
About tricking myself into thinking I have more energy than I actually do.
How do you get more energy? Well.. First there’s the whole thing about calories being energy so naturally that will mean that if you eat you get energy. I guess that’s a good step one.
Step two is smiling. When you smile everything becomes a little bit easier. In this case, easier to pretend – easier to step up.
Step three is to take action instead of over thinking. Instead of planning everything, for instance what you will wear, what you will eat and so on; go straight to the closet and pick something out quickly. Either the top of the stack (odds are you have worn it recently and like it since it’s at the top) or simply take yesterday’s clothes from the floor and put on. The floor is usually where I keep the clothes from the previous day.
Next step, step four, is an extra step I take sometimes: dolling myself up. That means adding perfume, makeup and doing my hair a little bit. It doesn’t have to be fancy or beautiful – it’s enough to have made a little bit of an effort, it livens up my face – my mood and therefore raises my energy.
These are my tips on how to trick mind and body into raising it’s energy levels and performing with more energy. Please let me know if you’ve got your own ideas for steps that I can try, cause I will admit that my steps aren’t 100% effective all the time 😉