Not much to say about this one, except that it makes me smile. It’s light.
Not much to say about this one, except that it makes me smile. It’s light.
For the first time in my life I feel like “fuck this” is actually the only thing I can say that would fit.
I’ve never actually said those two words together before. Ever. Or written. I don’t think it’s a nice way to speak and it’s not actually that great a way to express feelings. But tonight it’s how I feel.
I feel like using it about:
– my anxiety that has made it impossible for me to go away like I planned today
– depression and the thoughts that come with it
– my sleep schedule
– my stomach for acting up
– not even tv series cheering me up
I just.. I’m disappointed. I have been looking forward to this trip and now I’m just.. I was hoping to at least go Saturday morning then, but I’m not. It is not gonna happen. (Things can maybe still change but it’s not looking good)
I’ve ft more and more nervous as thursday and friday went on and I just.. I couldn’t. Why did I even think I could? Me spending a weekend away with 35 people? that’s not realistic. But I wanted to so bad. I still want.
No ‘fuck it’ doesn’t even cover it. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, staying at home alone forever. But I wont. Maybe this weekend I will stay here, but I’ll go out soon again and I will make friends with more of these people. Maybe slower than I hoped, maybe not the way I planned, but I will!
Written in response to the daily prompt: Luck – and as a way to get the words out of my mind.
There’s even beauty in the dead flowers. Maybe there’s beauty in me too then.
My brother-in-law has borrowed my camera, so this sudden burst of inspiration only came out through the lens of my phone. I still like it. It’s details. It’s colour and light.
Wish I had a background..
I feel like the last time I spoke of nerves here it was also about an upcoming weekend (read here). It’s similar this time. People from the club I go to, but this time around 30, are going away for the weekend.
It’s a good social event, and we’re just staying at a camp house we’ve rented. There’s gonna be games, lots of talking, probably singing and some bible studying. But that’s not the thing at all.. the thing is I’m nervous! So nervous.
And my anxiety is growing higher by the hour. It’s getting to the point of being a massive elephant sitting on top of me. I feel like crying already and I’m not going for another 18 hours or so.
The fact is – I am 90% sure – it is gonna be a great weekend. And a good experience for us all and we will probably be better friends after these days together. But I’m not looking forward to it.
At least I’ve got transportation covered with a lift in a car both on the way there and back. Having that under control helps a bit – or at least, it would be a huge problem for me if it wasn’t.
I have done what I can. I am prepared. I know I have good people with me that I can trust. I just need to get through my nerves, anxiety and general need to stay home and convince myself that I can do it and that I will be happier after.
As the title implies, today I went to my first workout-class ever. And I’m proud of myself for doing it.
It was tough! The instructor was saying that we should keep moving unless we were about to die – and I did feel like that might be the case several times! But I worked through it. Of course I took some breaks and had sips of water between stuff, but I did it all! I kept moving even when I thought my body would kick me, and even though I was panting like never before and my face was red like a mix between a strawberry and a tomato. (more…)
Staring at the dead flowers in my window.
Should have gotten rid of them by now.
On my desk is a huge stack of dishes.
Should have cleaned them.
More dishes on my table.
The mess on the floor.
My suitcase from last time I saw parents.
Trash from when I got my new pens.
Empty bottles I should deliver.
And even though all that stuff is there.
Stuff that would be so easy to just do and get over with.
I don’t think about it.
I’m floating around in a space in my head.
It’s mostly grey, clouded.
I can’t focus in there.
I can’t take action in there.
I’m immersed in the clouds.
It feels more like rain.
Hitting my face.
Wetting me and everything around me.
Making it impossible to focus on anything.
Will I get out?
I just.. wow. Ohmffghgg.. That’s a big number! I mean.. 30. Thirty pounds.
Yes. Yes! YES!
I hadn’t actually understood that before. I’m smiling right now. Realising that I’ve done this. I’ve made this happen. I’ve… I’ve actually lost 30 pounds off of my body weight.
I’m…. I’m proud of myself. That’s a hard thing for me to say, but right now it is true. I am proud of myself.
I can’t even.. I just.. the times I’ve googled “easy weightloss”, “how to lose weight fast”, “exercise for overweight people”, “how to lose 10 pounds”.. I found my way, and it’s worked so far.
This gives me the energy to keep going and hopefully reach my goal.
Sometimes you come over a song, a poem or an article. Anything that makes you stop and think, you relate. You believe this person can see right into your soul and has written this about you. Or maybe instead you feel like this person has taken your thoughts and put them into words that you could not form yourself.
Something that did that for me is the song Any Other World by the artist Mika.
The lyrics that made me stop and think at first were these:
I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defences
So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go
…or in Danish, “Vi holder jo af dig”.
One of my friends told me that yesterday. And it made my heart skip a beat.
He meant it. He was supportive. He knows most of what I’m going through and he cares. And he pointed out that the others (our group of friends) – that they all care. They worry and they will be there for me.
I told him I didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know how they could help. He understood. It made sense to him. And I think he understood that it’s hard for me to talk about.
But the fact that they care. That he cares. We haven’t been friends for that long. 6 months.. somewhere around there. So it feels new. But I believe him anyway.
That’s enough to keep my mood up for today. I will try to remember. Even if I forget, I’ll have this post to look back on, and I’ll remember.
“We really care about you”
It sounds cheesy, but remember to tell your friends and family that they mean something to you. It might be what they need to get through a hard time.
One of those days where acting like a proper grown up is just too much. Actually I should say a few of those days. Cause I’ve had more than once this week.
I’ve pretty much cancelled everything that I’d planned to do this week in favour for staying home alone with my computer. It has become a pattern to me.
I’m binge watching Friends. I’m constantly checking facebook and instagram. I’m checking the news and the sports section. I’m going through all my youtube subscriptions. I’m wasting time. I am hiding.
There’s nothing new in that. In fact, it’s a bit too well-known for me. But it’s okay. I’m letting myself feel okay about it.
I have reasons. Yes I do. I need to remind myself of that. I’m not weak for staying home. I’m taking a look at what I need and what I’m capable of in that moment and I’m acting on it.
Later I will be stronger and I’ll go through with my plans, but this week it’s okay to stay home. I’ll be stronger soon. That’s the hope anyway.