Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering mess of a body will stand up in front of 40 people. And speak. Yeah.. let’s hope so.
If you’ve been reading some of my previous posts here, you will know that I am in a constant fight with my social anxiety and depression, and that I’m trying to push myself to do stuff that I don’t feel completely comfortable with. I will certainly do that tomorrow.
I am the treasurer at the club where I sometimes go – have been for the last two years. Most of that job, job as in we’re all volunteers, is to pay the pills, keep on top of the economy and make the books for the accountant. But, the worst part of the job, is that once a year I have to stand up in front of everyone and explain the economy from the past year to them. I have to answer all their questions, and basically show them what I’ve been doing – and what we’ve done with the money the past year.
That happens tomorrow evening.
Tomorrow evening, me and my anxiety shivering hands will stand up in front of everyone and try to explain why we’ve paid so many interests on our loan, why we can’t shut down the renters and why we need donations even though we have enough money. And maybe most terrifying of all, how that money is spent – and why we’ve decided to do that.
Thankfully it’s not me who has decided everything so if they attack my show, it’s not me they’re attacking, it’s the entire board. But still. I’ll be the one taking the punches.
But… I have good people behind me. Last board meeting the entire board offered to stand up in front of everyone with me if I wanted. Apparently I’d been getting better at sharing how I felt, so now they knew I was nervous about it. In the end we decided that if I seem to be loosing it one of the guys will come up and help me. I just give the signal – or he’ll come on his own if he sees that I need it.
I’m so thankful that I’ve opened up enough now that I can actually get help without having to specify what they can do for me. They just offer. And they worry.
Deep down I know that my friends.. people in general, want the best for me. But it’s really nice to actually see it sometimes too.