I’m not exactly sure how to start this post. But I want to share a bit about how my anxiety and depression function together, or how both started and developed together.
When thinking back, it’s pretty clear it all started with anxiety, social anxiety. I’ve always been shy and happy being home, but this took it to new heights. It started slowly.
Me wanting to stay home from my newly started university education. Wanting to skip classes, or not even go at all. I started making up lies to stay home from already made plans with friends, I simply often cancelled on the day – either faking sickness or claiming I was too busy after all. I pulled back. I’d stay home on my own as much as possible and it felt good. It felt safe.
But at the same time, my life slowly stopped having those moments that provide joy during the normal days. Laughing with friends, taking a walk in the sun, the joy when handing in a paper that I had worked hard to finish. It all went away cause I pulled away.
I didn’t notice at the time, but looking back, I can see how that took the joy away from my life slowly.
As I started feeling less happy in general, I lost my energy and I pulled back even more. I did this to protect myself and . I’d made lies that I had to follow through on, I’d made it hard for me to go back to university cause that would possibly make the others ask me questions about myself and my life and I had no idea how to answer that. I withheld information about my feelings to my friends, not wanting them to know how I was truly. I wanted to solve this on my own.
But not sharing it didn’t do me any good.
The bright moments that are supposed to lift up our moods and days became even fewer – I got more depressed and as a result I pulled more and more back. In turn that made me more depressed.
I disappointed myself numerus times – mostly by not being able to stick to my own laid plans. I hated that I was becoming weak and unreliable. And my way of dealing with it was to hide it. I hid it all away and pretended I was happier on my own and that I didn’t need anyone.
My anxiety made my depression worse, and my depression gave me all the more reason to feel anxiety and strengthened the feelings that the anxiety put in my head. I was heading downwards at a slow but steady pace.
Honestly, back then I would have called people crazy if they’d mentioned this to me. I was doing what I wanted – and I wasn’t being forced by anyone or anything. Thankfully I’m more aware of myself and my mental state now. So much that I’m able to think back on it and learn from it.
I’ve leant that I rely on other people to lift my mood. I rely on them to be a part of my memories and future plans. I’m a person who seeks my own company as a safety mechanism, but also a person who depends on personal attention from others.