Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies)
“What are you doing?”
“Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?”
“I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.”
“You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening)
“Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly)
“I don’t know..”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.”
In the end, I did end up going. And I had a good time. I was nervous and I had an awkward conversation with a new couple who came tonight, but maybe that’s because they seemed kinda shy and so did I. I spoke to a friend in dept and honestly about how I had been doing since the weekend (if you wanna know about it, see posts here and here). We sang a few songs together, a part I always enjoy lots! And I sat with four girls and chatted lots and laughed about silly things. And other than that, at the table while having dinner, I was having casual conversation with several people at the table. Joking about the amount of salad I’d put on my plate and other non-important things, but never the less, I was actually talking to people!
YES! Tonight was indeed a victory.
Also, can I just add how grateful I am, that I have a sister who knows what I’m going through? She spoke to me for half an hour, giving me ideas and reminded me of what to do if I feel anxiety coming on, both before going to an event like tonight and what to do while I’m there. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, but when I get anxious I tend to forget and build it up worse in my mind. I’m gonna need to remember to thank her. Don’t think I do that enough. *Make note to self!*