Thursday evening going out – battling anxiety.

Me calling my sister thursday afternoon: (italics are her replies) 

“Hi”
“Hi”
“What are you doing?”
“Eating candy and watching youtube videos. You?”
“I’m cleaning up.. I think I’m in a bad mood.”
“You are? Why?”
“I’m not sure. Going to the club tonight” (*club is a place for other 18-30 year-olds to hang out together. Usually there’s a program for each evening)
“Are you nervous about going?”
“Yes” (I say reluctantly)
“Why?”
“I don’t know..”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go. What if they don’t talk to me. Or I don’t know what to say to them. Or it goes badly in general. If they don’t like me. If my friends don’t come tonight … I guess I did know why I am nervous.” 
……….

In the end, I did end up going. And I had a good time. I was nervous and I had an awkward conversation with a new couple who came tonight, but maybe that’s because they seemed kinda shy and so did I. I spoke to a friend in dept and honestly about how I had been doing since the weekend (if you wanna know about it, see posts here and here). We sang a few songs together, a part I always enjoy lots! And I sat with four girls and chatted lots and laughed about silly things. And other than that, at the table while having dinner, I was having casual conversation with several people at the table. Joking about the amount of salad I’d put on my plate and other non-important things, but never the less, I was actually talking to people!

YES! Tonight was indeed a victory.

Also, can I just add how grateful I am, that I have a sister who knows what I’m going through? She spoke to me for half an hour, giving me ideas and reminded me of what to do if I feel anxiety coming on, both before going to an event like tonight and what to do while I’m there. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, but when I get anxious I tend to forget and build it up worse in my mind. I’m gonna need to remember to thank her. Don’t think I do that enough. *Make note to self!*

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6 comments

  1. Anxiety is such a battle. You want to go but you don’t, you want to talk but you don’t. I understand your pain as I also have it. Reading your posts, it sounds a lot like the way I talk in my head too. I think the best thing you could have done for your anxiety was exactly what you did! Reaching out to your sister who understands (I do that to with a great friend who understands and has anxiety as well) and then going. Because typically, you end up having fun! It’s just all the anxiety drama you have to deal with before you actually go is frustrating and can be quite exhausting. Way to go! You did it! Every time you challenge your anxiety, you’re giving yourself more freedom 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for commenting and for the great words! Reading this, I feel a bond between us (and all the others struggling like we do). It inspires me to keep going when I get a ‘well done’ or a victory. I hope you are focusing on your own victories too, and I’m so happy to hear you’ve got a friend who understands.

      Liked by 1 person

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