As some of you might have read in my earlier posts Nervous about upcoming weekend and About this weekend.. I had a special weekend planned and now, since it’s over I’ll let you all know how it went – how I conquered it.
Due to my anxiety and depression when it actually came down to the date, I did not wanna go anywhere or talk to anyone. I was scared and sad – and very tired, and felt like I was letting myself down by wanting to cancel my plans. Plans I’d been looking forward to for a long time! And that I knew would result in good things.
Thankfully, Saturday I went. I had gotten the chance to go Saturday instead of friday so I had one less day to worry about and it worked out great! The stuff I was scared of didn’t happen. And my friends showed how great they are. We got to know each other much better, we all opened up and we both laughed and cried together. We were honest with each other, and not judgemental. We showed respect and genuinely all had a nice time and enjoyed being together.
I knew all this would happen before I went, but I was still afraid. I think it’s common to feel like that. Feel nervous. What if everyone gets along and I don’t? If they laugh at my stories or don’t pay attention to me? And.. what if being together a weekend, makes me feel even more alone? My illness makes those kinds of thoughts worse and it clouds my ability to make myself believe it’s all lies. I don’t believe in myself. It’s low self-esteem, I’m learning, but I can’t fight it in this mindset. I haven’t got the energy or the confidence to believe in myself. Luckily a weekend like this, after being a success helps me take small steps towards something better.
I start believing what they tell me. I stop doubting myself and what I did. At least for these two days I was gone, I didn’t put myself down or think bad thoughts. I was in a good mood. I laughed – and I made the others laugh with me. I opened up – which will help in the future when they’ll be able to understand my bad days a little, and I’ll be able to be more honest cause I’ve told them how I feel. They know about my illness and they know some of the stuff that’s hard for me, that isn’t usually to others.
It provides me with a better way of moving on from the bad days. Gives me opportunities to ask for help from these people if I need it, cause they know. They don’t expect me to be 100% every time we’ll meet in the future. They’ll understand. They’ll ask.
I just need to not forget. I need to remind myself that these people said I was wonderful. That I was funny. That I was helping them through stuff too. They trust me. And they believe in me. They don’t see failures when they look at me, they see a personality I often can’t even remember, but somehow, hearing them talk to me, about me, made me see it a little bit anyway. And it felt good. It was a victory. This weekend was a victory to me.