I didn’t go today. I was meant to, but I couldn’t. I’m having a bad day today and it just all got too much – so when the opportunity to wait until tomorrow to go suddenly came I grabbed it like a needy child. I cried and shivered and had a stomach ache. And I got angry at myself for feeling like that, but luckily I spoke to a friend and she helped me get my mind together and find out what I wanted to do.
It was hard, but I think it’s for the best. Instead of three days all of us together we will have two, but the other four started today. I’m glad I’m not the only one joining late. I would feel bad in other ways if that were the case. I’d feel like I was missing out and being left out even if it was my own choice. This is better.
Now I get to be ‘full energy’ the two days we’re together and that makes me believe in myself a bit more. I can handle two days. Most importantly – I can handle sleeping there one night. Or not sleeping. My sleep schedule has been all over the place for a while now, and I find it hard to sleep through the night – especially in a new place.
Honestly, I know it’ll be a great weekend and we will all get to know each other and open up more. I might even open up more and share my feelings with them properly. And it’ll be good and we’ll have a nice time together.
If I’d had to I would have forced myself to go today. And most likely it would have been alright. But I think it would have been hard. Hard to be social.. to get enough sleep.. to be kind and not let my depression and anxiety take over. I find it hard to explain, but I’m pretty sure I made the right decision today. Instead of thinking of it as a failure that I didn’t go today, I’m gonna turn it into a victory cause I will be going tomorrow!